Benjamin B.
Yelp
WARNING: this review is not for children, pregnant women or those with bad knees. I am so amped to be writing this review I have no idea what sort of bone-bending G-forces it will be giving off so, you know: fair warning.
If you blended up Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Shane Warne, Babe Ruth and Black Caviar into some kind of hero-filled super smoothie (maybe with a little wheatgrass and protein powder, depends what you're into) it still wouldn't be as EPIC to the power of RADICAL as the holidays Alaskan Dream Cruises bang on.
When booking an 8-day cruise overseas you never really know what you're in for until you set foot on the boat, and I was plagued by preconceived notions of a giant, soulless cruise liner bristling with watery cocktails, sleazy lounge singers and legions of shapeless retirees in bucket hats and adventure sandals. What I got blew my tiny mind on every level a tiny mind can be blown: morally, metaphysically, allegorically and of course sexually.
These guys have nailed the perfect storm:
The ideal 3-level boat, intimate yet large enough that it never felt claustrophobic. Actually, it was sort of like an extension of your family home: forward lounge with bar, dining room, top viewing deck, and cray cray cozy cabins.
The right number of people: 30-40, max. After a week with these guys we were such fast friends it was really sad to say farewell each other and traipse off back to our respective parts of the world.
A killer itinerary: stunning wildlife, waterfalls, glaciers, jet boat rides, ATV-ing, Zeegos, kayaks, trail walks, cultural performances, totem poles, old growth forests and about a billion other things, each bigger, badder and better than the last.
And some serious A-class cuisine. This was the biggest surprise of the lot, the food was just SENSATIONAL. We're talking a different kind of fresh seafood every day, four courses for each meal, a pastry chef on board, and custom meals if you wished it. And man do they keep you well fed. Even though there's a bar they still fix you up withg a complimentary glass of wine with each dinner. We all walked off that boat with spare tires around our waists. Rich! Gluttonous! Indulgent! And worth every damned calorie.
The glue that brought all these disparate elements together was the crew. I just cannot speak highly enough of these guys. In fact, I think I might love them. All of them. Unconditionally, the way a dog loves it's master. Is that creepy? I don't care if it is.
Some special shout-outs: Captain Eric, master and commander of the Alaskan Dream. This guy . . . yow. He went out of his way to make everyone feel comfortable with the type of laconic, humorous, friendly style anyone in a service industry should envy frantically. Nothing was too much trouble. He took a couple of teenage kids ATV-ing after hours one evening just to give them a thrill. Didn't have to. Didn't make a big deal of it. But he gave them something they'll talk about for years. Invited every passenger to join him in the captain's cabin to chat, hold the wheel, hang out, look at charts and machines, whatever.
Brianna the chef: amazing value, one of those characters that make the boat a fun place to be. Put out a giant bowl of chocolate mousse one night with a $5 reward for whoever ate it. With no utensils. Just their face. We went fishing one day and caught halibut and pink, silver and chum salmon and Brianna quietly turned them into 5 different super gourmet seafood dishes including the most delicious spicy ceviche I've eaten outside of Ecuador. Just don't play her at cards. Fastest hands in the west.
Larisa & Emily, the activity guides who know, well, everything about everything flora and fauna and gave daily presentations on crazy Alaskan stuff. Easy with a laugh and loads of fun to hang out and shoot the shit with, and always up for an off-the-itinerary hike or play.
And Jess, the most entertaining deckhand in the history of the profession. Sang to us in the buffet line, quick with a joke or to light up your smoke, there's no place he'd rather be. Interacting with someone who has such joy and dedication for his work is quite simply a pleasure to behold.
Random stuff I got a mad fat kick out of: seeing whales breach right in front of us, watching gigantic glaciers calve, seals lazing on sapphire-blue icebergs, otters floating on their backs cracking open clams with rocks,brown bears, more bald eagles than you can point a Nikon at, late night card sessions with the crew, island excursion to the last remaining whale house in North America, monstrous king crab legs, smoked salmon bloody marys, guh, I could go on. There were no down sides. None. It was all killer no filler, so well planned and executed.
So, yeah, this review sort of turned into a paean, I know that. But this company CRUSHES it, they really do. I've been all over the world and this was one of the greatest holiday travel experiences of my life.
Bar.
Raised.