Jason E.
Yelp
For those of you that are acquainted with Royston Vasey and that somewhat off the wall TV series the League of Gentlemen........
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SCENE 7. League of Gentlemen (London Branch).
We see Jason has arrived fresh from work, wearing a Crombie suit, a double cuff shirt with Prince of Wales collar, tie and capped Oxford shoes. The pub appears to be empty and Jason peruses the menu on the wall, a barmaid Tubbs Tattsyrup, peers at Jason through the door which separates the bar from a private area. She creeps cautiously to the service side of the bar.
Tubbs:
Yes?
Jason:
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you...open?
Tubbs:
Yes! Can I help you at all?
Jason:
Yes please, do you have any real ales?
Jason begins strolling around the bar looking at the beer pumps. Tubbs eyes follow him every step of the way.
Tubbs:
I haven't seen you before. Are you local?
Jason:
No, I live about half a mile from here.
Jason looks awkward, trying to make an excuse to leave
Cheerio!
Jason goes to leave.
Tubbs:
Can I...help you at all?
Jason:
Well yes, now that you mention it, I'll have a pint of the Sam Smiths Pure Brewed Lager.
Jason approaches the bar and points at the beer pump. Tubbs shouts in shock as he does so.
Tubbs:
What are you doing?
Jason:
Sorry!
Tubbs crouches defensively clutching the beer pump to her chest.
Tubbs:
Don't touch the beers! This is a local pub for local people, there's nothing for you here!
Jason:
I can pay.
Jason reaches for his wallet.
Tubbs:
Keep your hands where I can see them! I have a husband you know. He's up the stairs - he's sure to hear everything.
Tubbs begins seductively rubbing a packet of pork scratchings.
If you were to come back here and...touch them, I...
Jason:
No, no...
Tubbs:
Edward! Edward!
Edward Tattsyrup, Tubbs husband, enters the bar from the private area.
Edward:
Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
Tubbs:
I caught him smelling the crisps.
Jason's mouth hangs open in shock.
Edward:
Who is he? Is his identity known?
Tubbs:
He's not local.
Edward:
Look here. We're very proud of our town, this is a decent town and a local pub! We'll have no trouble here.
Tubbs:
He asked me to touch his cork screw.
Jason:
No!
Tubbs:
He has a plan - he covets the precious beers of the pub.
Edward:
Ah...ale fan, eh? You people are all alike.
Edward walks to face Jason.
You march in here - young, try and...touch the local beers. I suppose next you'll be sprinkling me with one of those packets of dry roasted peanuts? Spraying poor Tubbs here with Sam Smiths cola...
Tubbs looks as though she would enjoy this.
I've got your number, fella. You won't get far!
Tubbs:
He tried to see under my clothes!
Jason shrugs disbelievingly, amazed at this accusation.
Edward:
Pervert, eh? Got...sex...on the brain! Wet the bed I'll bet as a boy...
(To Tubbs)
No sisters!
Tubbs shakes her head in agreement.
I used to be in a war, and I put paid to quite a few like you. This is a decent town and a local pub - there's nothing for you here!
Tubbs:
Tell him I can't have babies anyway! Tell him my insides are all wrong!
Edward:
Devil! Go on then, drink the precious beers of the pub, burn down our business! Rape our dead mouths! So long as I don't have to listen to any more of your disgusting babble!
Jason:
I'm sorry if I've done anything to upset or offend either of you! I just wanted to come in here and have a pint of real ale!
Tubbs covers her mouth in shock at hearing this outburst.
Jason:
If you don't mind I'll just...leave quietly.
Jason goes to leave the pub. Edward blocks his way.
Edward:
You...heard the man, Tubbs. Get undressed!
Tubbs begins taking off her cardigan.
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This is a strange place, walking in, you feel like you are intruding on a private old Bermondsey working men's club, most of the clientele seem to hail from before the Shad Thames regeneration and you feel a little out of place. This used to be the brewery pub of the old, long passed, Anchor brewery that occupied the whole block. Architecturally, it is wonderful, still a lot of small bars with open fires in the way that all pubs used to be. Unfortunately, it is a Sam Smith's house and so there is nothing of interest on tap, although what there is, is priced very cheaply, which means that predominantly it is frequented by people that want very cheap beer.
Seriously, it's not so bad, the staff are nice, the lager is fine, but it would be so much better as a free house, selling a few real ales.