Gary T.
Yelp
The Song of Holmes Beach: A Lamentation and Rejoicing at the Anna Maria Island Beach Café
O Holmes Beach, thou art my delight, my fair one, my sun-drenched joy by the sea.
Thy sands are soft as the bosom of a lamb, and thy waters clear as the tears of angels.
I have known thee from my youth, and thou hast not aged a day--though thy café hath grown crustier than a raisin left in the sun.
Behold, the parking lot is like unto the breastplate of Gideon--small, sturdy, and free.
And blessed be its size, for it wardeth off the multitudes and the snowbirds alike.
No great flood of man may overwhelm thee, O Holmes, for thy lot overfloweth quickly, and turneth away the unworthy.
Now hearken unto me concerning the Beach Café, where pancakes are as plentiful as grains of sand--but only in theory.
For they boast loudly of "All-Ye-Can-Eat Pancakes" for ten dollars,
Yet I say unto thee, verily, 'tis a trap!
For what man among you can consume more than three cakes before he is full unto misery?
And lo, the cook standeth behind his griddle as one who guardeth the gates of Mordor.
He hath the spirit of the chef from Life of Pi--stern of face and dark of humor.
I approached the griddle with joy, yet I went in through the wrong side of the line,
And he looked upon me with scorn and mirth and said unto me, "Nay."
I asked for more pancakes, and he laughed as a villain in a Shakespearean play.
I felt like Pi's family before the tiger--lost, confused, and strangely insulted by a man wielding a spatula.
The lines are ever long, stretching forth like the days of Job.
And the food?
O wretched palate!
The prices are as high as the heavens, and the quality as low as the valley of dry bones.
It is not that I am cheap--nay, I would pay gladly for the joy of good food on the seashore--
But I shall not toss silver into the sea for burnt fries and fish dry as the scroll of Isaiah.
Therefore, I bring my own provisions, as the wise virgins brought oil for their lamps.
I pack sandwiches, fruits, and the sweet nectar of Capri Sun,
Not because I am stingy, but because I am wise in the ways of beach cuisine.
And lo, if thou bringest a raft, prepare thyself with a roll of quarters,
For their air compressor bloweth as slowly as the wind in the sails of a lazy sailor.
I have seen children become men waiting for their floaties to fill.
Yet I return, year upon year.
Why?
Because Holmes Beach is my beloved, and I am hers.
She alone hath my heart, even if her café hath lost its seasoning and its smile.
So rejoice, ye visitors! But come prepared--bring thy food, thy patience, and thy quarters.
And if thou findest thyself laughed at by the pancake man, take heart.
Thou art not alone.
Selah.