Jerry M.
Yelp
Good day to all my loyal fans,
To begin, I want to say what a scary last couple years it has been. The threat of an imminent collision between Earth and Saturn has truly shaken me. In response to this, I have spent the last 29 months in my shelter located 15 feet underground (location undisclosed, can't afford to be breached!).
Anyways, as the old saying goes, the cat kills curiosity and one day I woke up to a feeling of empowerment! This was absolutely wonderful and before I knew it I laced up my tennis shoes and ventured outside to see if the earth was still in tact. As soon as I opened the hatch I began to cry profusely, could it be the earth still exists?? I quickly suppressed my meibomian glands as the conservation of water is key for survival.
I spent the next day pacing back and forth, deciding whether to remain underground in safety or if I should reward myself with an excursion. After multiple hours I had come to my conclusion, I would excursion to an island. In the event of war, islands have multiple advantages. Attacking can be difficult as the enemies hand is forced to attack via boat or air, land attacks are simply impossible (well, unless there are bridges or some other means of connection).
One thing my fans have learned about me is that once I, Jerry N. McCormick, have decided on something, nothing can stand in my way (well, except natural disasters or cheetahs). So, before I could consume my next repast my journey began and I arrived via a secret mode of transportation to Anna Maria Island. I chose this island due to the claims of water being on all sides (remember - the tactical advantage!) and for no other reason.
Once on the surface, I found a building described as a bar and grill. What is confusing however is that there was no bar, or grill! Distraught, I decided to indulge in an adult beverage to calm my rage. Known as a piña colada, this drink was first created in New Jersey. Upon my statement of desires, I was questioned. What size do you want, do you want a straw? This took me back as I was unaware I was in an interrogation! Bewildered, I frantically said "small and straw" probably because the two S's went together, just like my shelter and canned rations.
About 3.4 minutes later it arrived, not mixed. Disappointed, I used my complimentary straw (remember, I ordered it!) and tried to mix it and spilled all of adult juice leaving me with a sad flavored icy mix.
Furthermore, this mixed beverage was priced at $17 American! When I went underground 29 months ago, a similar cocktail (why are mixed drinks called this - I think it's quite vulgar!) was a mere 236 Egyptian pounds.
As I continue to write I am noticed I am being limited my Yelp, LLC and must conclude my review. Be sure to like and subscribe for more reviews as my shelter collapsed meaning I am forced in the over world and cannot be in the underworld as I desire.
Remember citizens, the war is only beginning.
JM