Alex D.
Yelp
Lemme explain something about ice cream. It's gotta be SOFT like the city this is. Magke no mistake, Turrono's soft as he*l but we're workin on it, amiright? and it's gotta be FREDSH. Bar ape nails these essentials to da T. Line up or no line up, ya getting a serving of the softest and fredshest ice cream ya could ask for.
Look I'm huge. These little portions do me well. I get it. You might say, go down to Tom's Dairy Fridge on Queensway and let loose on a banana split. Get ya money's worth" and I respect that. I do. But doze days are over for uncle Alex. I gotta portion myself or that double-chin's gonna turn into a trip by the end of Decembah. Marone!
You wanna know why dis joint's the real deal? CASSHH ONLY. A very subtle way of an establishment sayin' "U got a card? F** you. Pay me." Cash makes the world go round. Those soft serve twirls are the rotational pull of the bills floatin' thru the Ape. That's the real deal. And that's why the line moves bout as fast as my aunt Tiny on a speed bender during xmas. You're in, you're out. Boom. Cash and cream baby, we know the deal.
OK, so onto da ice C. Look, you go to Baskin Robbins and the only thing those goombas are Robbin is my time. I gotta pick out of -what- 31 flavours? You kiddin' me? I don't need every flavour from twinkly dinkly doo and the rasberry delight to bubblegum galoop. Half these flavours make me sick just thinkin' about em. Bar Ape, maybe 4...5 choices max. GOOD. Make it like the elections in dis country, gimme 2-3 options or I'll spoil da ballot. As long as those flavours are banging, I ain't complainin. And Bar Ape's flavours bring the heat. They don't f*** around here like so many of these posh, I do one ting because im special, toronto joints. Nah, day keep the simple simple.
Have I had some misses in the flavour dept? sure, who hasn't? Not every flav is gonna knock it outta christie Pitts park. But the ones that hit, HIT. They're as fresh as my 3-pack of XL Hanes undies. Just leave it out to dry. The only problem I have is restrainin my fat self from one scoop. Dats why I only bring a single Blue Laurier, one Blue Clue, down to this joint. I can't be tempted. I often bring a loon or toon to tip the maestros behind da counter. Ya gotta do whats right.
Don't miss out on the salted caramels and classic vanilla. Dat pairing is like an 18-year-old Alex and a fresh Montecristo numbah 2 in Cefalu. Dat was when I could still fit in my shorts and still see my knees. good times. Let's be honest. Gotta keep it simple. All those "too-cool-for-school Dundas west types" don't read this review. I dont want you cretinos cloggin up st. Clair like dis ice cream clogs up my arteries. Stay in your lines in fronta Badiali and Sugo (that disastster of a resto). Ape, you're keepin it real on saint Clair where my mooks roam. If you wanna good 1-2 punch on a Sunday aft. go to bar Ape after a shot of Franjelico at Wise Guys. It's a 1-minute mistake in a 2-min line. If you know, I assure you, you don't know. Alex out.