Steven H.
Yelp
Holy moley, I get to write a review for a mall? Don't mind if I do!
== THE BASICS ==
Gerrard Square is the east-end Toronto local neighbourhood mall. I grew up going to this unremarkable B-or-C-grade mall, and it was shit then, and it is still shit.
It has everything you need to survive in the urban environment. But beyond that, "G-Square" (or "Ghetto Square" as I still call it) doesn't offer much of anything else. There are no upscale stores or attractions, it has no atmosphere. It's not a place where you want to hang out at nor eat at. The mall staff and security are typically useless blobs.
It probably helps to conceptualize the mall as instead an immersive live 3D consumerist adventure, where you play a character who needs to buy what they need and get out quickly before the hoards of dazed shoppers and zombies attack. Otherwise, you won't survive the depressing experience that is Gerrard Square.
== WORLD ONE: THE PARKING LOT ==
If you arrive here by walking or streetcar (the 506 to Pape), or by shopping cart, give yourself 3 points. If you arrive by bicycle, lock it at Gerrard Street and give yourself 3 points--the mall's only bike rack is clunky, inconvenient and often always full.
However, the mall was built for cars. You are presented with 3 choices to park your ride: OUTSIDE in the open; in the UNDERGROUND CAVERN; and in the rear-end MULTI-LEVEL GARAGE.
The MULTI-LEVEL GARAGE is ideal if you are planning to shop at HOME DEPOT. It is also very sparsely used above the third parking level. Hence, a secret mini-game exists here: if you can successfully get shaggy in your car without being caught, you win 100 points! I kid you not.
== TRANSITION ZONE: THE ENTRANCE ==
Gerrard Square's main ENTRANCE is usually stinking of cigarettes, and swarming with angry riff-raffs, trashy parents and screaming kids. Discreetly avoid these zombies for some easy points. (Note that you wouldn't have to put up with this if you parked at the MULTI-LEVEL GARAGE.)
== WORLD TWO: THE GROUND FLOOR ==
To your immediate left is FOOD BASICS, the mall's only grocery. It is fairly unkempt, but has everything you need to keep food on the dinner table. Grab some FRUITS and SODAS to fuel up.
You will also find on this level some CELL PHONE stores, a NAIL SPA, a T-SHIRT store and DENTIST, a HEALTH FOOD store, a FOOT LOCKER and THE SOURCE, a JEWELLERY store, a CIBC bank, and the FOOD COURT.
If you enter the EB GAMES, buy a VIDEO GAME and receive a sales pitch for a disc protection program where the clerk scratches a CD with a key, gain 10 points for one of the most awkward gaming experience you've just endured.
One should note that the HOME DEPOT here is one of the few in the world that is housed inside a shopping mall, instead of its usual big-box format. Appliances and tools to the left; paint, electricals and lumber to the right; and gardening outside. You'll find everything you need to defend yourself against a zombie apocalypse, so buy a CHAINSAW.
At the opposite end of the mall, is a WAL-MART, in what used to be the Zellers. It's a basic WAL-MART, which also serves as Gerrard Square's de facto only bookstore and pharmacy. Be careful here, as the consumers and zombies are especially dazed and vicious, even more trashy and large. Prepare to defend yourself with the CHAINSAW as you make your way to the back where you'll find the electronics department and the $5 DVDs BIN.
== WORLD THREE: THE UPPER FLOOR ==
Upstairs you'll find a STAPLES, ARDENE, HALLMARK, BOWRING, a TOYS-R-US EXPRESS, a TOP CUTS salon and an EYEGLASSES store. There's a WINNERS as well, and an entire strip of crummy chain fashion retailers like INTERNATIONAL CLOTHIERS, URBAN PLANET, and FAIRWEATHER. Extra bonus points earned automatically should you be here when the SERVICE CANADA location just happens to be open.
The DOLLAR STORE isn't really a dollar store. The most expensive thing I have found there is $14 for a large decorative cardboard storage box. If you can find an item that actually costs $1 (or 2 for $1, etc.), you win a couple points.
== WORLD FOUR: THE FOOD COURT ==
You will find that your prepared food options here are very limited and extremely crappy. The atmosphere sucks, the bolted-down furniture grimy and uncomfortable, and the mall's only public WASHROOMS disgusting. Discreetly exit the mall.
== WORLD FIVE: OUTDOOR RETAILERS ==
The only decent food options this mall has is found outside: the stand-alone MCDONALDS (with a PLAYPLACE), and TIM HORTONS around the corner. You'll also gain access from the street to PAWS AND CLAWS the pet store. This is as much positive streetscape urbanism as Ghetto Square can offer. Give yourself 4 points if you get to try the MCLOBSTER.
== THE ANTICLIMATIC END ==
Now that you survived shopping here, you should have earned the achievements/trophies EMBRACE YOUR SQUARE and HAVE YOU SEEN GERRARD LATELY? Yeah, the mall's slogans are very lame and dated--they are still proud of their early-2000s reno job.