Jimmy R.
Yelp
Never before have I been more angry in my entire life. I have been tricked, bamboozled, duped, deceived, and -- in the most extreme case -- hoodwinked.
I had been fooled so bad, it should have been criminal.
Now, I was told that Grand Haven State Park was one of the city's most prestigious and beautiful attractions, and this is where all went wrong.
Upon my arrival to the so call 'State Park', I realized that this was not a park, rather, it was a land fill. Children played in garbage, they swam in acid, and the adults were liked beached whales just waiting to die.
I cannot begin to describe just how appalled I was. I was so disturbed that I fell into an epileptic fit during which I frothed at the mouth and soiled my entire being in fecal matter (not my own). Before I lost consciousness, I saw one of the whales waddle over to my person, I was sure I would be consumed by her and regurgitated to her young.
This was not to be. As I came to, I soon realized I was still lying there, covered in filth, and hoping to die. The whale, between winded breaths for air, spoke to me, "Doo yoo need enny halp surrrr?"
I panicked and screamed. Before the whale could even blink or move a muscle, a challenge I'm sure it is still trying to overcome to this day, I was on my feet, and running back to my 2013 Toyota Prius. I found it where I had parked it, then I leapt through the window. In haste, I turned over the engine and accelerated to a safe yet swift twenty-five miles per hour.
I was finally free.
To this day, I still will wake up, drenched in urine and sweat, screaming from the night terrors that have begun plaguing my life since that dreadful day.