S Duane S.
Yelp
Perhaps the worst hotel I've stayed at in decades.
First, those ads on their web page are totally misleading. The elegant staircase that appears to be leading into a large opulent lounge/lobby...isn't. It's actually a stair case in one of their more pricey suites. The hotel actually has no real lobby...just a few desks stuck in a hallway leading to the elevators. And their swimming pool that appears to be indoors is actually outside and subject to the weather elements.
When escorted to our room on arrival, the clerk/bellhop/concierge opened the door as we schlepped our own bags inside, handed us the key, and left. No "guided tour" of the room amenities (and no tip either). As a consequence, we had to find light switches, extra bedding, laundry bags, air conditioning controls, and such on our own.
We soon discovered a room so tiny that we had to move the desk chair to a far corner so we could get around the bed and go into the bathroom. And, get this, there were only four...four... usable drawers to put our clothes in for the nine nights stay. What were they thinking...four drawers?
Then things went from bad to worse.
As we stood there in our tiny room, we heard jets flying overhead. Then a couple of minutes later, more jets...this lasted for minutes. Then on an inspiration I checked outside through our room balcony glass door (which was permanently sealed by the way). Ah ha...that roar is not from jets, but from the metro train rumbling through town just outside our window every two to three minutes. The only saving grace here is that they stopped running during the wee hours of the day; so we did have some quiet while sleeping.
Their ads on the web made their own restaurant sound ideal. As seasoned travelers we know having food available from within the hotel is important to us. But the restaurant was very very expensive, even by Aussie standards, and it had no lunch menu. It had a very limited breakfast menu and a modest dinner menu, but nothing for in between. But the food was excellent; just the choices were limited.
Bottom line, the only real good things about the Grand Hotel Melbourne are its location and a friendly staff. It is ideally located to get to just about anything in downtown Melbourne, including the Crown Casino that's just across the Yarra River from the hotel and the central train station just up the street.
I would not recommend this hotel at any price.