Eric S.
Yelp
THANK YOU FOR SMOKING
"I only gamble with my life, never my money." - Brendan Fraser as Rick O' Connell in The Mummy (1999)
Close friends & family of mine know that aside from the occasional scratch-off, I never gamble. My Bohemian roots are probably to blame for my hardwired frugality; if I ever happen to set foot in a casino, it's because I've been enticed with the promise of one of four things:
1) hella cheap buffets!
2) nudie showgirls!!
3) free booze!!!
4) the concert I need to go to is on the opposite end of the casino floor
I didn't drag my girlfriend to the hood, a.k.a. Hammond Indiana, for the first three things (in fact, Horseshoe can't give out complimentary drinks in accordance with state law, and that blows). We came to see Judas Priest, though little did we know we'd have to trek through a corridor of smog to get there.
Thick, silver plumes of Newports came wafting out of thousands of ash trays as we journeyed across the floor lined by aisles of vibrant slot machines. It made the air quality of Los Angeles seem acceptable by comparison. Real classy. Cigarettes, cigars, e-cigs (joints? spliffies??) everything is fair game.
The other borderline maddening feature about Horseshoe is their completely bogus, subjective entry policy. When you walk in, there's two podiums off to the right side and a wide open area, manned by a single 'security specialist'. Their job? Judge you based on your appearance.
If there's any doubt in their mind that you're under 30 years old, you have to patiently wait in line off to the right. Normally I'd have no problem getting carded, but what drove me nuts was the complete lack of impartiality:
"excuse me sir, you still have most of your teeth and don't reek of unfiltered Camels. may I please ask you to wait an extra 20 minutes while we conduct a background check and full cavity search?"
"wait wha-"
During our extended time in line -- a solid quarter hour -- I saw several younger twentysomethings scoot in past the pathetic rent-a-cop when he wasn't looking. I even saw one fresh faced teen who pulled a baseball cap down to hide his face.....no questioning whatsoever.
At this point I half expected to see two kids stacked on top of one another, hidden underneath a trenchcoat and slowly wobbling toward the entrance. "yup, seems legit to me. enjoy your drinking & gambling, sir!"
Are you f*cking kidding me?!? If you're going to eyeball every person who steps through the doors, then do your goddamn job! No exceptions, no excuses, and no getting distracted by some big-tittied blonde! Good christ almighty......
Apparently all you need to get in is a sneaky disguise, just try and look like you're 40. A fake mustache & bowler hat should do the trick.
* TL;DR *
I nearly died with fits of laughter when on our way out, I saw a sign that said "Horseshoe Casino: voted #1 place to work in Hammond Indiana!" Yeah, cuz you've got SO many good choices, like the bulletproof glass Popeye's or the nearby Dollar Tree.
What they failed to mention is, working here will also shave 15 years off of your lifespan from all the secondhand inhalation. Sure, it might be a fun place to work......at the cost of having your lungs slowly fill with tar.
D'ya ever wonder WHY smoking is banned in 99% of businesses in this country? It's because that stuff is pretty harmful. If you voluntarily want to be exposed to it, fine, be my guest. But forcing concertgoers to endure the Marlboro Gauntlet, that's not f*ckin cool, man.
Unless Led Zeppelin decided to do a reunion tour and The Venue was their only show in the Chicagoland area, I don't see myself ever returning to this cesspool. Free parking, though. That's nice.
Three Rivers near O'Hare Airport and Harrah's in Joliet are both smoke-free casinos that offer the same stuff (and you won't have to pay $5.20 to cross the Skyway toll, either!!)
Recommended for smokers, busloads of old Asian women, anyone who "looks over 30", townies of Hammond, and hobos.