Hotel V.
Yelp
Having lived in Paris for over 5 years (important detail, reader, tuck that away), I feel qualified to say that while this city is crushing it in some major ways: health care, socialism, and shared bikes, it is less crushing it and more applying half hearted disdainful pressure in other aspects, such as the weather, the quality of its weed and its coffee.
If you haven't guessed yet, I'm from San Francisco where you don't get baller points for knowing good coffee and grass, just normal, run of the mill points for having the faculty of observation.
So yesterday, while walking around the 3ème, struck by a now latent urge (crushed by 5 years of disappointment) to imbibe something in Paris other than warmed up brown water, and armed with a smartphone, I found Loustic. I could tell this place was supposed to serve Good Coffee because one of the reviewers mentioned a "flat white" and they were not talking about a caucasian person's derriere. Menu check at the door confirms this. They serve kale and soy milk, things that, like mustaches in 2009, were considered GROSS and in 2014 are spotted frequently when you're in the Marais.
Looking around further confirmed the reviews, "cosy atmosphere" (obligatory exposed stone walls) - check, "industrial-chic" (modern wood chairs and designer lighting) - check, "attention to detail" - hella check, with all CAPS and a period between each letter.
But don't take for my word for it.
ACT 1
V and her inside voice walk up to the counter. The barista looks up expectantly.
Barista (in French): What can I get you?
V (in French): Could I get a latte with soy milk please?
Grammar aside -- while I would normally order a soy latte in an anglophone country, soy does not exist as an adjective in french only as a noun hence the awkward phrasing.
Barista: something in French
V (in French): A latte of soy milk please.
Barista (in English): A latte is milk, you can't have it with soy milk.
V: What?
Barista: Latte is a word that's been bastardized. It's a cafe latte.
Inside voice: That's attention to detail, girl.
V: Okay a cafe latte with soy milk and not milk.
Barista: Do you want whipped cream in it?
V: NO I DON'T WANT WHIPPED CREAM ON IT.
Inner voice: Did he just ask you if you want whipped cream? Does HE think that YOU think that you're at starbucks?
Barista: No, I said, it's a cafe creme. A cafe creme doesn't have whipped cream in it.
V: Okay.
Inside voice: WHUUUT is going on right now?
Barista: You're in France now and I need to educate you. It's a cafe creme you can't order a latte here. It doesn't work.
Inside: OH SNAP. Dr. Barista just told you that you need to work on your coffee degree, beyotch.
Other aside -- Who are these adults a) ordering milk and b) calling milk Latte when they are not in Italy?
V: Well thank you for educating me, that's very kind.
Barista: Would you like that for here or to go?
V: (thinking of the cigarette she needs right now): To go please.
End Scene
ACT 2 involves being part of the coffee documentary being filmed outside Loustic. But I'll save that for another yelp.
Short story: come for the great coffee, stay (or not) for the attention to detail.