james b.
Yelp
I've sat debating whether or not to share this or not for the last five minutes, but hovering my fingers over the keyboard is beginning to cramp them up so I'm just gonna go for it. Besides, the only truly comedic moments I've ever had always involved allowing people into my embarrassments just that little bit too far anyway so why stop now?
OK, despite studying architecture and latterly interior design at university and despite the fact that I earn my money as a writer and an artist of sorts....I get most of my culture from....well, movies (my toes are curling).
I know that's pretty lame and makes me a monumental hypocrite but I just can't stand the way people invent their own interpretations of art then credit their thoughts to the artist and as such, generally speaking, can't stand art galleries.
Museums get me depressed as they point out how fleeting we are.
Libraries always smell of wee.
I used to try to go to all three but always ended up looking at other people wondering why they looked so amazed and why I just found myself thinking "Is this all we have to offer on a Sunday?"
And if I'm really honest, films have allowed me to lazily pass myself off as cultured far too many times for me to quit them now!
So as you'd imagine, it was with much huffing and puffing that I agreed to go with my better half, Alex to the Manchester Art Gallery.
I was a little bit suspicious as we sauntered around the corridors pulling mature faces at the Pre-Raphaelite works of art then made our way through the arts and crafts section, "She is even less cultured than I am!" I thought, "What's this all about?".
Then, just as I was about to have my inevitable man tantrum, a grin spread across her face, telling me that wherever it was we were going, we were there.
"You'll like this." Alex said secretively, pointing me towards a bench that had two listening ports at either end.
I sat down and leaned in as if I was about to be whispered something really hush hush- which is I think what the artist intended.
"They're alright, yeah. The city has come one leaps and bounds" said a random voice.
"I don't get all this rivalry, I mean it's just a game inn't?" said another.
More voices followed, all saying pretty much the same thing- that whoever it was they were talking about, they didn't mind them, their city was OK and they were good at football and music.
"That's nice" I thought but....."So?"
"It's all about how the relationship between Manchester and Liverpool has developed over the years" said Alex.
The voices had been Mancunians talking about Liverpudlians.
"That's great" I said "I knew all the hatred was rubbish all along. Its good that we can be so mature about it these days, I mean- it's only football. I'm a Scouser and the Mancunians have been lovely to me."
"Now listen into the other one" said Alex, who was now trying harder than ever to contain her laughter.
Tentatively, I leaned in and was met with-
"Mancs?!! Their just fucking 'orrible aren't they! Why? Cos, they're just like... 'orrible Mancs like aren't they?"
then
"Don't even get me started lad!! Manc's are just dirty smackheads la."
even
"Manchester? I've never been. Why would I go their?"
and most elequently
"The shops are good n da, but er....I just tink dee should fuck off like"
I Sigh.
"Normal service resumed."