Johnny N.
Yelp
Took a walk to the MB pier this morning as I'm a bit overwhelmed. It feels like everyone has their life together and knows exactly what they want to do. I get scared to even go on LinkedIn because I see my peers getting promoted seemingly left and right. "1st VP" of this, "Director" of that. It may come off as selfish or hating on other people's success... and actually you're probably right it is a little selfish. It's a mix of feelings. I'm happy for people, especially my closest friends, but the first reaction I have when someone talks about how well they are doing at work or how much money they make is it stings.
I don't want it to sting. I don't want to be envious of others. But I am. I know this uncontrollable flaring up of jealousy means it is touching on something I am insecure about in myself, and it's really a reflection of me and a change I need to make. It's an internal problem, not an external one.
I really do feel that I have everything outside of a job that I'm passionate about, or at least one that at least pays really well. I've traveled a lot, have hobbies that I LOVE, have the best friends I could ever ask for, a beautiful and loving family unit, etc. But maybe that's the trade off. Can't have everything?
I think having a passion outside of work can be both a blessing and a curse. I LOVE to write, it simply feeds my soul. It's like a drug that just makes me feel better. I feel 'off' if I go too long without writing something, even if it's just journaling. Getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper is so cathartic for me.
On the flip side of the coin, I've found that being this passionate about something makes it exponentially harder to do things that you aren't passionate about, aka work.
I've been around people at prior jobs who have no passions, so they pour all their creative energy into their day jobs, and as a result they are extremely successful. But I've seen these people have exorbitant amounts of money, and be miserable. So I'm definitely not jealous of that ahahah. I wouldn't trade places with any one of them.
Honestly, I realized as I'm writing this, I'm less jealous of the money and more jealous of the passion that people have in their day job. I'm really not envious of people who make a sh*tload of money but don't like their work, have no free time, and no fulfillment. We have MAYBE 80 years on the planet, I'll be damned if I throw my prime years away just to make money that I can't take with me after it's curtains.
I think the obvious answer is do something you are passionate about for your work. Then you are unstoppable.
See this is why I love to write, I talk to myself and get to the bottom of what I am feeling.
After posting up on a bench at the MB pier with J.Cole's "Friday Night Lights" mixtape in my ears and writing this, I feel much better. Thank you for reading through this stream of consciousness ahahahaa.
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