Grey V.
Yelp
It's 2AM, you've been out drinking all night with your friends and that one annoying co-worker that somehow invited herself. You smell like cheap booze and shame. NOTHING IS OPEN. Driving through the McDonalds drive-thru in a cab will cost $78.24 before you even reach the window. If you try to make another drunk grilled cheese at home you run the risk of falling asleep on the stove and waking up to a burning house and a disfigured face. This is your Sophie's choice... but it doesn't have to be. Mark's is your oasis in the desert. Welcome to wellness, the hangover cure and the best show in town.
What is Mark's like a 2am? It begins with a door man dressed in Kevlar that's 4 sizes too small for his ginormous frame. He's got mace, he's got a mag-lite, he's got a ponytail of hair and a commitment to this position unmatched by even the top ranking NAVY SEALS... and he's got asthma but that's not stopping him from defending the honor of this fine establishment. He screams at you while you stand in line for what feels like days in the freezing cold. Why didn't you bring a coat? You did, you just left it at Vinyl coat check and will now have to go back for it in the morning looking like a wet ball of regret. Don't focus on the cold now... Eyes on the prize girl, eyes on the prize.
You will be ushered inside away from the throngs of random homeless people, over-grown girl scouts yacking in the streets and some random dude with 78 inch rims screaming from his car window about his 'Squad'. Our fearless security guard will shout at you some more, just make sure to remain calm and not spook him. Before him, everybody was getting stabbed. Now, with him, people are totally still getting stabbed but it's much less malicious. (I'M TOTALLY KIDDING.... everyone is still getting stabbed).
From the inside lobby you must stay focused and alert. Keep your eyes on every waitress because one of them will point to a booth and if you miss the finger gesture, it all starts over for you. You need to be in drunk sexy cheetah mode. Once your pounce the table is yours. The waitress will come with water and you have 30 seconds to order or starve to death so do your whole table a favor and memorize this mantra in the cab on the way over or just write it on your forehead with eyeliner if you plan on sleeping on the table. Repeat this chant over and over again until you know it better than your name: "Double cheese burger plate, everything on it, extra sauce".
With this step by step guide, there will be no surprises. That's a lie actually. I've been to Mark's hundreds of times and I am still pleasantly surprised every time I go by the amount of nudity, fighting, rowdiness, yacking, table dancing and weave pulling that is seemly always present there.
I honestly don't know how else to say this but it's my favorite place to be. I feel entirely at home in Mark's. Their food is phenomenal and it's literally like dinner and a show. It is so worth every penny you spend there and if you're visiting you can't miss it because you show up with an empty stomach ad a bad tinder date and you leave with a great story and sometimes 1 less shoe.
I wish you the greatest night of your life here and if you stop in, be sure to say hi! I'm in the booth you just missed out on.
Namaste Hoe.