Paul M.
Yelp
A SPECIAL NEWS ALERT FROM NASSA HINDQUARTERS IN DC, REGARDING NEWLY DISCOVERED ARSENIC BASED LIFE IN MONO LAKE, CALIFORNIA! WARNING! MONO LAKE ARSENIC WATER SHOULD NOT BE USED AS A MOUTHWASH!
NEWS ALERT COMMUNICATION FROM ANDROMEDIA:
Dear Non-Arsenic-based Lifeforms, on the insignificant dust sub-nano-blotch of shit, that you call "Earth",
We, the Arsenic A-holes of Andromeda, are well aware of the direction of our galaxy, which is racing toward yours, and many of our leaders just feel that you are just in our way (note: we are due to collide with your galaxy in about 4 billion years, give or take a billion).
They especially don't like you because you are anti-arsenic and call us nasty names like, toxic aliens, poisonous slime, and just plain weird alien creatures, who ruin your stupid ideas about what life is based on. Contrary to what your "scientific leaders" (ha ha ha!) "believe", all known intelligent life in the Universe is based on Arsenic.
Some of our representative organisms based at Mono Lake have been in perplexing communications with the semi-humanoid called Palinoid, who seems to be under the idiotic impression that she can not only see our Galaxy from her backyard, but is qualified by the imbeciles on your dust speck, to represent your interests (poor bastards).
Now, in our confusing communications with this Paranoid Palinoid. In general, we have no damned clue about she is babbling about (and we suspect neither does it), since she neither believes in neither science, logic, nor our existence. Intragalactic translations are imperfect by nature, so we may really never figure out what either she or you crazy multi-cellular misfits are babbling about! She seems to believe that a God, who does not seem to have a name, will protect you creatures sometimes/maybe, when he feels like it? This appears to work better, if you pray to either a corn-dog on a stick, or is it a god on a stick, depending upon which translator we use, on any given eon. This Palinoid seems to also pray to either a Holy Mackeral or a Holy Ghost or Goose, which just proves that she and you are just insane imbeciles.
Generally our scholars do not believe that you morons qualify as "intelligent life". Many intergalactic races believe that your life-form ranks, at the very bottom of the Intergalactic IQ/ Grossness Scale (IIQGS), especially based on the crap on what you call cable TV and Foxy News. It is also believe by many Galactic scholars that you imbeciles, especially the North Korean ones, are racing madly into mass suicidal extinction, by means of either weapons of mass stupidity or you are going to drown in your own mass excretement!
In practical terms,we really could not care less about you humans, except maybe as good ambulatory incubators of our friends, the bacteria and viruses of your planet. We hate to break this news to you, but we think that is why you were created, to be kind of like walking Yogurt cultures for fermentation and production of bacteria and other creatures. The collective biomass and collective IIQGS of your bacteria alone, is far great than you pathetic shit-bags can imagine.
If it comforts you, and you have not f-nuked each other to oblivion before then, you have 3-5 billion years to move your crappy galaxy out of our F'in way. If it helps, please feel free to pray to corn-dog/god on a stick, Holy Goose, or the God you have not named yet, or your prime imbecile, the leader Paranoid Palinoid for assistance in U-hauling your stupid flatulent noisy shitty asses out of our god-damn way!
Galactically yours,
The Galactic Exalted Pooba of Arsenic A-holes of Andromeda
BTW- I have visited my Mono Lake subjects, a few of your Earth years ago. The Mono Lake was great, but, Your food & accommodations sucked...there was NO ARSENIC on the Menu!
P.S.- You are so screwed! You Anencephalic Imbeciles!
[note : based on real news: PC Mag= Has NASA Found Alien Life?]