Ilyce M.
Yelp
'NAPLES (not so) GRANDE' HOTEL, NAPLES, FLORIDA
Booked 7 nights @ $900/night for a 1 bed/1.5 bath suite, private deck with multiple seating areas and killer views. We did receive that, which was promised in the description & photos.
Imagine our chagrin to discover a diminutive, en suite bathroom with nothing more than a compartmentalized, old, whirlpool bathtub, for one with moldy jets, doubling as the shower, mere inches from the toilet, behind a rickety pocket door that my man had to realign several times.
The 1/2 bath was a toilet/sink combo, whose hinged door scraped my toes as I closed it, while seated on it's poorly positioned toilet.
This 'Signature Grande Suite' boasted 1155sf of luxury but neglected to mention that they only dedicated 55sf to the master bath afterthought.
If you've ever been on a cruise, you know what I'm saying.
The en suite, sh*t and shower closet was separated from the bedroom by the mini double sink closet. The architects managed to suck all of the romance out of smoothly transitioning from a sensuous, bubble bath for two onto the crisp, high thread count, covered king bed, in lieu of a huge party living room and deck for 20.
We solicited guest services as to which of the hotel restaurants she recommended for our first evening here.
'Catch Of The Pelican', she responded, without hesitation and encouraged us to seek a resy, in person, immediately....and so we did.
A few hours later, we headed downstairs to our dining destination.
We could not ignore the powerful, indoor, fishiness of the air, on our way through the Pelican, toward our reserved patio table.
While perusing the menu, adjacent diners received their dishes and those familiar fishy odors, trailed along. The good service had no shot up against the stinky, shellfish ghosts.
The following afternoon, we meandered poolside and scored two loungers, despite the tight, circumferential crowd. Just as we customized our loungers, got comfy and even celebrated with a quick fist bump, a family of 5 or 15, hanging just downwind of us, began lighting up.
Cigarette, cigar and vape smoke wafted continuously, in our direction.
I could swear I saw the mama cig smoker brush ashes off of the infant on her lap.
Ice machine crapped out on night #3, forcing one of us to take the next elevator in whichever direction it was headed, for an ice cube recon.
The past few days were spent at pristine Lowdermilk Beach and strolling along the town's main street and claim to fame...5th Avenue. Two activities that I recommend, if you find yourself here.
Today, we caved and hit the
'adult pool' area for our last day. Just as we settled into our loungers, consciously choosing a spot far from our fellow sunbathers, a couple entered the small hot tub, adjacent to our carefully chosen location. Normally, this would be an average activity, free of drama and/or disturbance.
Instead of enjoying our late afternoon, poolside relaxation, we had to endure 45 minutes of filthy rant, heavily peppered with racial slurs, offensive slang and complaints by a guest whose favorite compound word was 'muddafukka'.
In all fairness, housekeeping services and bell services, deserve to be mentioned. They are exemplary staff, whose humble and gracious hospitality shined in an otherwise less than mediocre resort experience.
It is now 2am in the morning of our last day and all the water in the building has been turned off.
We have a few bottles of drinking water left that was a 'perk' of booking a pricy suite but now, these last couple of bottles have become a matter of rationing. They should rename this place...
'Survivor Grandoom'.
In conclusion, I spend weeks in search of the perfect vaca accommodations for my man and I, whenever we head outta town.
Wish I'd have spent time doing something other than trying to find this place.