Mary W.
Yelp
12.20.19: Decide on a whim to go to Taos for Christmas! Yes, because Bruce Willis playing himself in "Oceans 12" reveals that Julia Roberts owns a rustic retreat there. (I'm not often that shallow, but when I am, I go big!)
12.21: 5-star Yelp score convincing. Speak to owner "Bob." Friendly guy. Mention it will be our VERY FIRST trip to Taos. Only 9 rooms, but I implore Bob: Please give me one with a TUB! (My #1 indulgence on vacay). And Bob says "he's my uncle!"
12.24, 3:59: ARRIVE! Glorious Cottonwood & Blue Spruces twinkle in the rapidly falling dusk over the 200-yr old adobe. But, confusion. How do we let someone know we're here? There! A big red 1980s dial-up telephone hangs on a wood panel. That is very Matrix-like. I'm intrigued. Should I pick it up? But will that inexorably alter...our Timeline?
12.24, 4:07: Just then, saved from my metaphysical dilemma! Very fit, tan & determined sphinx of a certain age, hurries by with a menu--is she the Chef? Or is she The Oracle?? Takes one look at me & says, "Park around back. I will put you in the Bird Room." Oh-kay! We park around back. The bird room is dank like a birdcage. The bathroom is frigid. But makes up for it all by being very, very red. Enormous red armchairs, a red armoire, a red Mark Rothko, red tablecloth on a little round table, & a red Rooster. You need a Master's from MIT to work the heater, though, and...wait for it...There is no TUB.
BUT- at least a large spider lives with its family in the corner ceiling, and before we leave, one is friendly enough to make an appearance in our bed.
12.25,10:32am: Spinning our wheels. Literally. You see, having been directed to park "round back" resulted in being trapped in a veritable valley behind the inn with a 30-degree incline, now covered with snow, and undergirded with black ice on an unpaved lot. No one told us that we would need a backhoe to get out of the rear parking lot at the intimate little "GUEST"house...you know, versus a corporate, chain hotel where they regularly disregard the safety & comfort of their guests.
12.25,11:06: The Oracle shows up. This time she gives us the sage advice, while looking up at the cloudless, New Mexico sky: "Well you oughta know when a storm is coming and carry kitty litter with you. And everyone here has 4-wheel drive." Why, thank you, Oracle. That's just fine. But aren't YOU the one who ordered us to park "round back" instead of "round front" where it was nicely-paved, level, and perfectly fine for us CitySlickers in our 2WD Toyota Tacoma? And by the way, don't you guys HAVE a cat?? Couldn't you have brought some kitty litter when you sashayed out here to make that offering of wisdom? Sans coffee, btw.
12.25,11:32: Probably tiring of watching his guests play the game of "Take the Tacoma up hill, and let it roll back in the snow" [Extra points for not swerving into the ditch on the way down], while I dedicatedly up vote the only non-stellar Yelp review for this place, Bob magically appears.
12.25,11:50: Bob comes up with an even more absurd game than ours! My hubby will sit on the truck bed for weight, along with some big rocks, and then Bob will floor it?! After an hour of futility (& having missed breakfast& no more to eat at the inn on Xmas), we chorused, "Sure!" I steeled myself for what seemed a nearly certain and grisly death for my beloved in front of me & to take pictures of the carnage for the inevitable insurance claim and multi-state litigation. (Still grateful to Bob, though, or our entire vacay might be in the back parking lot).
There were Christmas cookies in the lovely parlor that night, though!
12.26, 9:29am: I make it in time, by 1 minute, to breakfast. My husband refuses. He is eating Bison Jerky from our road trip under the covers & is now doing a personal, silent boycott of the B&B. I pick a table and set down a glass & my cellphone. Made the mistake of getting up for coffee and one of the "regulars" placed his coat over mine and snarled at me when I pointed out that I was already sitting there. Shortly thereafter, Scout, the owners' big hairy dog (and a prime candidate for "The Biggest Loser," Canine Edition) ambles resolutely over to me, determinedly eyeing my bacon. Then another guest casts me a disapproving look. She says, too loudly, "Well, WE like you, don't we, Scout?" Oh, really? I "like" Scout, too...I would just LIKE Scout to leave me alone while I enjoy the 2nd "B" of the B&B.
12.26,10:40am: Co-owner Cady knocks for housekeeping. Hubby napping. She says OK, she'll be back. She does not come back. In fact, no one has serviced our room since we arrived 2 days ago, or before we leave.
A great lady does the spa. The grounds are gorgeous. The breakfast (after an offering to Scout) is gourmet. Nearly 60% of the 5* reviews here, though, are from those with 1 or fewer friends &/or reviews on Yelp. And one Elite who said she did not want to "ding" their score.
Govern yourselves accordingly.