Brad N.
Yelp
"Always read the reviews first" -- good advice for anyone considering this place. Search "food" in the reviews and you'll find 100+ mentions, almost all bad -- and for good reason. It's bad. But more on that later.
My wife and I spent four days here for our 3rd anniversary. We had a good time overall, and there were some positives. Our preferred-level room was nicely upgraded, though not without issues -- the biggest being that there was no bathroom door, only the sliding track where one was clearly meant to go. Combine that with an extremely slow-filling bathtub, and there went our plans for romantic baths. The shower, thankfully, worked fine and met our needs.
The king bed was very comfortable, and our section was quiet except for the two mini-split A/C units. They kept things cool but never completely silent. The couch, on the other hand, was awful -- low, flat, and basically unusable without a pile of pillows.
The ocean views were great, the beach was lovely, and the pools were expansive and well-maintained. Towels, oddly, were a bit of a scavenger hunt. The common areas and shops were clean and attractive, as were the restaurants and bars, but once seated inside, that's where the cracks showed.
In a word: bad. And not just occasionally bad -- systemically bad. This was our first (and likely last) all-inclusive resort, and the economics show. We paid nearly $3,000 for four days, and once they've got your money, food becomes a cost center, not a highlight.
Oceana (dinner and breakfast): fishy fish, meager calamari, a crab cake heavy on "cake," and a dessert so forgettable I truly forgot it. Breakfast's waffle was so bad I almost spit it out. My enfrijoladas were the best thing we ate there -- and even they were skimpy on chorizo and egg.
Bordeaux (dinner): the best meal of the trip, though that's faint praise. My wife's fish was still a bit fishy but edible; my braised beef was plentiful but dry and under-seasoned. The French onion soup had two tiny bread slices barely covered in cheese. Dessert? Forgettable again.
Room service (final night): a "children's menu" chicken quesadilla with fries -- amusing at an adults-only resort -- and a sad burger with a pre-cooked, reheated patty. My dessert was what I dubbed "sin leches cake" -- dry sponge, foamy topping, not a drop of leche in sight.
Market Café breakfast buffet (departure morning): nice setting, huge spread, but flavorless food. The main dish, discada, looked like last night's leftovers -- bits of hot dog, mystery beef, and caramelized vegetables. Tasted about how it looked.
A bright spot: the coffee shop, which served espresso drinks roughly Starbucks-level (not my thing, but acceptable) and had a pleasant vibe and decent pastries. Outside that café, coffee quality dropped fast -- Nespresso in the rooms, and near-tasteless "coffee" at the restaurants. If you care about coffee, bring your own.
There's a heavy upsell push right at check-in. You'll be invited to a "breakfast presentation" -- actually a vacation club pitch -- in exchange for a discounted massage or similar perk. Don't bite. A polite "no thank you" is enough, though they may try again later. You'll also get offers for "romantic beach dinners" and other extras. Given the food quality, I'd pass.
Then there are "resort credits" -- a bundle of coupons that sound useful but aren't. Most are tiny discounts on overpriced add-ons, like $10 off a $150 bottle of wine.
In the end, we made the best of it and enjoyed our time together. The grounds are lovely, the staff generally pleasant, and the weather perfect, but the core experience -- food and value -- just isn't there. If you come expecting fine dining or even competent cuisine, you'll be disappointed.
We left feeling like the resort itself could be great -- but right now, it's coasting on its scenery and bar menu. If all-inclusive food that tastes inclusive of everything but flavor doesn't bother you, you might love it. Otherwise, take the advice I wish I'd taken: always read the reviews first.