Dan P.
Yelp
Danny P, you're getting soft, is what they'll be saying... This is a 2.5, but since Yelp won't empower me with half stars I've erred on the lighter shade of pale.
As we descended the stairway to heaven, we found ourselves in a frills and fronds space resembling some fancy old English establishment... then the next song came on and it was high tea meats Led Zeppelin... Ramble on!
I nearly dialled up the Cuban Pay Phone but opted instead for a Quilmes, followed by a White Rabbit x 2. If I'd stopped there this review would be a 4, but we ordered food, which turned out to be a Cuban carnivore car crash. Non-crispy wings with negatory flavour, followerd by way-too-much-pastry + not-nearly-enough-meat empanadas were harsh lessons in seasoning and quantities.
But, the total wreck of the night was the taco. This thing looked as bad as it tasted. It was tepid, the filling had less-than-zero flavour, and the tortilla? Holy hell what was that thing? It had the consistency of play-doh and was about as edible - now I know how my parents felt when I "made" them things to eat as a kid.
The staff totally know the food stinks, because they give you a small liquor bottle (sadly devoid of liquor) containing hot sauce. If you drown everything in that, you can probably get through it all.
The best thing on the plate was the guatemalan insanity pepper. I bit off half of that to cleanse my palate and had steam whistling out my ears and fireball breath for the next half an hour! Huzzah!
The music was actually of a good volume to conduct a conversation, so they must've listened to previous feedback, and have remedied this. And didn't we just gossip up a storm. Spying on cute and innocent couple whose distant behaviour had us all speculating on whether this was sandwich night, a breakup, a bad tinder date or just a really boring relationship... My initial impressions screamed Tinder tantrum, but after some additional information was added to the pot, I'm leaning towards the boring factor - sorry kids, you really were.
I'd give the food a 1 (cute and innocent couple also hated it), drinks + atmosphere gets a 4. Cutting it down the middle gets us to 2.5 but since most people will come for the drinks not the food, I'm going to kick it up to a 3, instead of down to a 2. But you're perilous Lobo, don't become a plantain.