Carl F.
Yelp
My German is a little rusty, so please bear with me on this one: Fück.This.Plaße.
In my mind, this place is a flaming one-star at it's very best, but I'll be fair and give them 2-stars since I wasn't actually good-looking or young enough to get in here. That's right. Yours truly, Quasimodo, and the rest of my gremlin friends were turned away at the door... while the club was empty. Ain't that some sh*t? Womp, womp. It's okay. Don't cry for me, Argentina... none of us really wanted to go here anyway.
I took 3 years of German in high school and was president of the Foreign Language society but sadly, didn't learn the one phrase I desperately needed tonight. So to quote (in English) one of my heroes, the late, great Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez of the group TLC: "S*ck my d*ck, hoes."
We didn't want to come here in the first place, but our guide was hella nice (albeit very young) and really wanted to show this 'club' off to us and we obliged with the hopes of getting a single drink and getting the f*ck out of there. Our group had been backpacking around Europe for two weeks and unfortunately none of us had remembered to bring our slutty ho-garb to be able to match what's apparently the dress-code criteria to enter this place. Actually, that's a lie. The girls they let in here didn't even look all *that* slutty, more-so just caked in make-up and super 'out of it', but either way, they were very vocally deemed better than us by the bouncers. Maybe it was that we were wearing coats? That was one thing all the girls who were let in didn't have. Maybe coats aren't cool here. I mean, it was only about 2 degrees outside so I guess I can see how coats would be a faux pas... NOT. You know what's a real faux pas? F*cking pneumonia, man.
We were 'on the list' but they said were too casual, despite our all black and brown attire (same as a v. young girls they let in), and our significant effort to look better than a person who'd been living out of a suitcase for a month, and we were not only turned away by the dickhead doormen at this empty club, but the doorman had the nerve to look at my friends shoes, shake his head, then make the f*cking 'tsk tsk tsk' noise with his mouth. PutaMadre. At least do me the solid of doing it behind my back. WhattaJag.
To continue on my rant...
First, clubs that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
You think we look too sh*tty for your sh*tty club with a knock off sequined trellis with copyright infringing use of the 'Playboy' logo on it. There needs to be a better word for tacky to the exponential power so I can use it to describe this place... and I would never otherwise do this or even give a shit, but to the bouncers: No one wearing bluetooth headsets circa 1998 and non-slip Skechers has the right to look down on anyone else. So me and my semi-clean button-down and classic Docs that I got for a steal on Amazon.com...well, I don't know where you came from, but where I'm from saving some scratch is hella sexy.
Second, we were in total shock with how filthy everything was around this place. Puking in the street, broken glass and sidewalk feces abound, yet they still tried to uphold some sort of decent attire standard. The only thing fitting for this environment is a poncho and pair of galoshes.
Third, F*ck this place.
Fourth, I watched a group of barely legal, barely-able-to-walk girls wearing next to nothing being hustled in. I can only hope they made it home safely, but I have to question why a club would be so interested in bringing in such extremely young and obviously inebriated-beyond-a-reasonable-level group of young, scantily clad females into the club.
Fifth, they said that despite us being 'on the list' and the club being empty, that we couldn't enter for our 'too casual' clothing. As they said this, I watched another impeccably well-dressed gentleman walk up to the door... surely he'll get right in. He's dressed like a million Deutsche marks. NEIN. He was turned away. He was short, not the most-attention grabbing face in the crowd, and the bouncers came up with some other bullsh*t reason to not allow him to enter either, obviously deeming him not attractive enough to be at the club. Little do they know, there's nothing uglier that the sh*t they were pulling as the sh*tty nightclub door-man gestapo of Dusseldorf.
Sixth, I'll have you know that I've won second place (and subsequently $10) in many a Monopoly beauty pageant.
Seven, I've never felt more akin to Heather Matarazzo as Dawn Wiener in one of my all-time favorite movies, 'Welcome To The Dollhouse', and couldn't put my feelings about this place any better than she did in. Here's lookin' at you, Nachtresidenz: http://media.giphy.com/media/McFUNE2Ff4uOY/giphy.gif