David C.
Yelp
For an entrance fee of $59, $30 if you are in some way affiliated with the military, or free if you are riding with a superior fare, status, or credit card (often carrying a hefty premium), I think it is fair to have a rather strong set of expectations for an airline lounge.
While the diversity, availability, style, uniqueness, cohesiveness, and amount of seating spaces and seats are a strong suit of this club, there is little else to positively comment upon.
I encountered two courteous crew members, but the majority of my other encounters varied from standoffish to surly. Likewise, it is weird that a bathroom attendant constantly stands right at the entrance of the restroom. Is he also a security guard? A night club spritz and freshen up guy?
The food and drinks are highly uninspired and lacking. To say they are nothing to write home about presupposes there is something to even write about. There isn't. If you are starving, efficiency-minded, or eat simply for nutrition, there are salads, lean meat, and soups to choose from. Taste-wise, the sweets are the best but that isn't saying much. I struggled to scarf down the grilled chicken for some protein, but it was as if they went out of their way to make sure it is as unseasoned, overcooked, dry, and unspectacular as possible. The key lime tart and chocolate cookies were relatively better, yes; but when compared to other like items, they function as the equivalent of $0.49 canned soup; with a sprig of canned tuna.
I was excited to see a Coca Cola Freestyle machine but that quickly turned to tepid disappointment and sadness when I realized the flavor was diluted and lacking. Perhaps the filter had not been changed or they set it up to deconcentrate. Likewise, alcoholic beverages are depressing and an odd interaction came about in which a bartender asked for my order, looked at me and paused for a moment, then turned away and proceeded to give instruction to another bartender, one of three total who were present, to proceed with my order. I have the intuition that things were said at my expense but I cannot tell in entirety, as they conversed in a different language.
The closing hours also differ from what is advertised... or they did when I visited. As I had to catch a flight in short order, that did not immediately impact me. The principle, however, stands; as would it have had greater impact if my flight was later.
Suggestions to UA: fix everything I mentioned, and maybe have a pop-up or mini shop that advertises novelties, airline branded rarities, and partner items. Not only would quality of goods experience, but quality of experience as well; on account of increased interest and revenue. Anticipatory blah blah blah about costs. Preemptive rebuttal of "haw haw" and "sucks to suck [that you guys suck]".
Recommendation to the consumer: don't go unless it is free or included. There's some goddanged nice lounge chairs in the terminal anyhow.