Dan B.
Yelp
Fraud alert! After reading this review some of you will call me a fraud. I'm about to rip a place I should love. A place that serves booze, has tons of TVs, and is filled with scantily clad women. Yep, I'm talking about Alary's Bar in Saint Paul.
Alary's is located on 7th and Jackson in downtown. It's a typical sports bar with many large screen TVs, every cable package you could want, video games and pool tables. What makes Alary's Bar so popular is the staff. Alary's is almost completely staffed by 20- something women who lack modesty and are willing to wear outfits that would make a Hooters girl blush.
During games, and every night after 9pm, the female servers and bartenders of Alary's don outfits equivalent to 4 inch booty shorts and tube tops. This is were the fraud part comes in...
Some of you are thinking "Whoa, whoa, whoa! No one loves boobs more than you! Who is he trying to impress by saying he doesn't like Alary's?"
And you would be right about my appreciation for the female form, but aside from the nearly naked women, Alary's sucks.
This is not going to be a popular opinion among many of my friends, and since Alary's is the biggest cop bar in Saint Paul, I can see a significant increase in parking tickets coming my way.
I have three points that form my opinion.
One: it's DIRTY!
No matter what time of day I arrive at Alary's, I've always found it to be pretty nasty.
This is coming from a guy that eats candy off the floor and occasionally picks his nose.
If any cleaning is done at Alary's it is done at the end of the night and not throughout the day. By the time 7pm rolls around, finding a spot at the bar or a table without a foreign substance on it is like finding a sober person in Saint Paul on St. Patty's Day! Kind of place that always has a little bit of vomit in the bathroom.
Two: the food is crap.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a bar snob. I do not need a bar to have 4- star food, but something that is passable as food would be nice. Who doesn't get hungry when they're pouring back beers and watching a game? At Alary's, if the hot dog cart (yep, I said cart and the offerings from said cart are sub par at best) is not out, the only option is frozen pizza they cook behind the bar. And it's not even good frozen pizza. At least spring for Heggie's Pizza if that's the only thing you're going to offer.
Three: the girls could be hotter and they're a little surly.
Every girl at Alary's has a great body, but a good number of them are not very pretty (but-her faces). For most guys that doesn't matter. If you're looking for some dirty curves and the outline of a nipple then this is your place. But for me a cute face goes a long way, even if I can see every ounce of cleavage you have to offer.
My other problem with the staff is that many of the girls feel entitled. Just because you're nearly naked does not mean you can be bad at your job and expect good tips. I'm generous with the gratuity when I receive good service. Hell, I tip 10% even if the server is horrible. But if you're slow or mess up my order, don't expect a big tip just because you're wearing a bathing suit.
Dear readers, you may be thinking that I never go to Alary's. Not the case. I do go to Alary's about three to four times a year. Despite the above rant there are some things I like about the establishment.
First of all, they run a shuttle to all the events at the Xcel, and have several shuttles so you're never waiting long for a ride. Occasionally I will meet the boys there before a hockey game to get the testosterone flowing.
Second, they do have every sports cable package I know of, and 50 plasma screen TVs. If there's a game I can't get at home, I know there's at least one place nearby where I can watch it.
Finally, I have been told that Alary's is the best and only place in town to watch a Bears game. So Bears fans unite, but since I bleed purple you will probably never see me there on a Sunday, unless we just beat Chi-town.
Overall, I think I'm just disappointed in the male penis. If the penis had higher standards then Alary's would be a great place. Alary's would be cleaner, serve better food, and the women would be smokin'. But why would Alary's change when dumb, testosterone driven males (like me) go there anyway?