B N.
Yelp
What is a cocktail? It's a collection of components that produce a well-spring of palatial happiness and satiety. The classic cocktail is hand-made, hand-worked, handed to you. These days, these very days, we can't be too handy. To that end, I introduce to you the most portable of potable cocktails, the inimitable jello shot.
Fun dip is for tom fools. Pop rocks are for ex pill poppers. Smellevision never happened - and I don't count that bullshit example where you went to a 7-11 and got scratch'n'sniffs for the Revenge of the Nerds exposition on network tv. Channeling Booger via the nose picking scratcher is true luzertown. Simple gimmicry. Pander for leander. Cheap, tawdry, low. Makes Britney Spears look regal, legal, and ordained.
Jay-e-double ell-to-the-mother-fucking-oh. That's where the true, simple, honest expression of a gellied cocktail exists. The sweet, sweet booze is sublimated into an even sweeter abstract that does a hula on your tastebuds before it pole dances on your uvula and slinks down your esophageal canal. You desperately want to to tip that slinky panther but she's gone and gone. She is now being disapparated by your gastric juices and reduced to her basic instincts. Your liver dons a bandana over its eyes and lights a fresh cigarette. Your spleen bends over and preps for the incoming raw torpedo.
Jello shots may seem collegiate but only in the quad where the highest gpa, when squared, goes lower than the original number. (For those mathematically challenged, that equates to less than 1. For those non-collegially oriented that equates to a GPA approximating zero. Summa cum WTF.) It's a good thing this operation, aka Barrelhead, gives zero effs about all that. It's a panoply of colors (or so I'm told because I'm color blind) that resembles a hung-over rainbow - but one that's not yet in that sublime state.
Green tequila jello (fun fact: tequila probably has betrayed as many outlaws as has the central nervous system and dissatisfied wives), blue vodka jello (fun fact: Vodka makes Russians swing to any and all spaghetti westerns even when Heddy Lamar isn't in them), orange rum jello (fun fact: rum fuels so many pirates it has lost is own soul and roams Davy Jone's locker longing for an AA meeting constituted of gin-soaked marshmallows) are on display and offer. I may have gotten the colors and constituents wrong (remember the color blind thing) but the little plastic containers holding the shimmery magic are not to be missed. Unless, and only unless, gelatin is verboten in the time of hair salon lockdown and mani-pedi persecution. Otherwise, get your sweet, sweet ass over to Barrrelhead for jelloshots!