Jon V.
Yelp
The Unbearable Angle of Invisibility
So, I just got back from Bear Week in Provincetown. It's no big secret that I have been a fond follower of Bear Culture. I've been going to Bear Week a few days at a time for years, now. This year I decided to go for the whole week. It was, perhaps, a mistake. Memories that were evoked include: circuit parties and high school gym class.
I have to talk about the Boatslip for a minute, to make this all legit:
Pool. Big deck. Tea Dance has been great fun in years past. I like
drinking at 4 in the afternoon. I like sunshine and my friends. I like the end of the world. There is dancing. I don't do much of that, as you'll learn in a bit. But, I'm told the annoying disco music is fun. I wouldn't know.
I stayed at the Boatslip once. The room was hot and someone was doing a lot of clomping overhead. Air conditioning and an anti clomping rule might have made my stay better.
During the days of Bear Week, the pool filled up with men until it
appeared to be a stew. At 4pm everyday, Tea Dance starts. Tea Dance. 2,000 people, 45 minutes to get a drink, 30 minutes to piss, repeat until it's over.
This review isn't of the Boatslip per se. It's more of a general review of whatever the fuck it was that happened last week. This isn't supposed to be amusing, or vindictive. I would say if you want comedy, read some of my other reviews, or better yet, check out David Dancer's yelps. They never disappoint.
Moving on to more pressing matters.
A new species of bear has risen to prominence. I call them the Alpha
Bears. Now, pay attention because I don't want to alienate every bear who reads this. I like bears just fine. I'm still a fan of Bear Culture. I even like bear411, even though it looks like the code was written in
1992. Bears are like any group of people. Some are interesting, some are nice, some can kindly go away.
Alpha Bears are defined by the following characteristics. There is a plus or minus scale here of about 10% and only say, 6 out of the 8 criteria need apply.
-6 foot 2 or taller;
-Darkly tanned;
-Annual income of $150,000/year or more;
-Large, unimaginative tattoos, most likely ordered out of a catalog and/or given to the discretion of a tattooist who doubtless harbors resentment towards giant hairy rich guys;
-Large muscles suggesting steroid use;
-Bellies;
-35 to 55 years old;
-Beards.
And lastly, they seem to have problems with their vision. They simply
cannot see anything that isn't a clone of them. If that means shoving
me to get to the next Planter's Punch, that's what's going to happen. At least until next time.
And what is up with the Planter's Punch?
And I could look out and see these bears drinking that punch, twiddling with their brand new iPhone 4s, adjusting some stock options with a secure app, catcalling a fat guy in the pool, grabbing other Alpha's packages through Speedos, woofing. Woofing. Grrrrr. Woof.
John Waters said something the other day..."Being gay isn't enough. It's an OK start, but you have to do something more."
But now, ladies, more is less.
Some years ago, a boyfriend at the time took me to the Black and Blue circuit party in Montreal. He thought it might be good for us. After all, we were in a 3 year relationship that was hanging by a thread. How about a party with 20,000 gay muscle dudes and lots of drugs, to shore up a disaster? Strangers, dancing, grinding, in a trance. Hypnotized. Glitter mirror balls and only a dim reminder in the sparkling air, that circuit parties started out as AIDS fundraisers.
Circuit parties are like high school with money and muscles and ecstasy and coke. And once again I was last picked to play a game I have no interest in anyway.
Those years back, my boyfriend dumped me on the way home from Canada. Was it because I'm short and weird and I don't like dancing with strangers?
I'm too old to take drugs people manufacture in their basements, and I don't want to have sex with people I'm never going to actually speak to. What does that have to do with the Boatslip? Not much, except that Tea Dance has turned into a daily circuit party at Bear Week. Circuit boys eventually age. They have to grow up. You can't stop age, even with six figures. You grow a beard and let your tummy get a little bigger, buy that tattoo, and you've transplanted yourself into a new subculture without really doing anything new. Just like Lady Gaga or a scene-for-scene Hollywood remake that takes place in outer space this time around.
In the end there are things that will always disappoint because they are un-winnable. Even if I don't particularly like you, I don't want to be invisible to you. And if you think you can shove me out of the way to get to your next trick or drink or BMW, be careful. I'm watching a culture embrace class and vanity, and as you come towards me, looking over me or through me, I'll be sticking my foot out, and you're not paying attention.
