Adam Z.
Yelp
There's a recurring disagreement I have with my girlfriend about food. Whenever we go places, she always says everything is really good. I on the other hand like to complain. And my argument to her is that if everything is considered "really good", then nothing is actually really good. How do you distinguish if everything is five stars?
Well, when they served us the margherita pizza, there was no disagreement. With both immediately looked at each other like, "Uh... this looks really bad." And it was. You could probably tell from the picture. The sauce tasted extremely bland with a slight ketchup-y flavor. The cheese, it was the pre-shredded stuff, and when you get a strand it just felt rubbery. The dough was just plain old bad.
I was thinking about it and it's gotta be the worst pizza I've ever had. I can't think of pizza I've had that was worse. Costo pizza formerly was the worst. Frozen pizza. Sbarros. None of them were as bad as this. I'm not just saying this, but I think that if you were _trying_ to make pizza that tasted worse than this, it'd actually be a little difficult.
But who cares, right? If other things are good, who cares if they have bad pizza? Well, other things weren't good.
We've never had fondue before and have always wanted to try it, and here was a great opportunity. But it was terrible. The cheese, I don't even know how to describe it, it just tasted like whatever the lowest quality melted cheese you could find at the supermarket would taste like, except worse. It was lacking salt. And they said it was cheddar? I didn't taste like cheddar. It tasted like American cheese to me. And the bread cubes were dry, stale, room temperature, and lacking flavor.
Let's take a break to say something nice. The pork ribs were actually good. The BBQ sauce had a really nice bright flavor to it. The meat had good texture, although it was a little fatty and not juicy enough. It also had a pretty good spice rub on the outside. This was the best part of the meal for sure. The portions are a little small though. A lot of bone, not a lot of meat.
And my girlfriend liked how the calamari was particularly crispy. Weird how some dishes could be so bad while others can be pretty good.
The cheeseburger was bad, but it was normal bad. Not like the pizza or fondue. The texture of the bun was kinda tough/dry, but it did have a nice crispy and thin layer of crunch. The meat itself was pretty low quality though. It reminded me of when I was a kid going to summer camp and they'd have BBQ day for lunch, and cook all of those pre-packaged patties. Something, maybe the shape, felt very pre-packaged about the patty. They definitely aren't grinding their own meat. And the cheese was this cheese sauce that was pretty similar to the fondue cheese. My girlfriend commented that it's probably the same.
And prices are a little high here. We were lucky to get happy hour pricing which is either $9 for some dishes or $12 for others. Normally the things we got were a little under $20, which is on the slightly pricey side where you expect solid quality. The service wasn't great either.
Overall, please don't go here. I mean, if you want to satisfy your curiosity and see what the worlds worst pizza tastes like, that might be worth it. But to be serious, they are clearly trying to slide by with low quality ingredients. I also doubt that they're paying for chefs/cooks with culinary training. It seems like the sort of place that is ran by white collar MBA types trying to nudge up their profit margins. It's too late for me to get my $80 back, but hopefully I can save you from wasting yours.
Edit: It looks like my theory of white collar MBA types might be correct! I was skimming through some of the other reviews and saw Lara V responding to a bunch of reviews. I could have sworn I saw her respond to one of my own a while ago, and sure enough, she did. It was for Fuller's Burger Shack. And, at least according to Yelp, Fuller's is owned by the same person as Brix: Mark B. Reading Mark B's description, he owns a bunch of restaurants here in Portland:
"Fuller's Burger Shack is part of Urban Restaurant Group which includes Brix Tavern, Carlita's, Fuller's Coffee Shop, Swank and Swine, Urban Fondue, Bartini, and Pearl Catering. Mark B also owns Urban Venues which consists of Urban Studio, West End Ballroom, and The Foundry at Oswego Pointe."
and
"Mark B. says, 'For any marketing and advertising questions, contact Lara with Bella Media.'"
Not to pat myself on the back, but I was spot on! Definitely a white collar MBA type trying to cut corners where possible and boost profit margins. Skim through https://urban-restaurants.com/ and ask yourself if that's the type of place you want to be buying dinner from, or if you'd prefer a guy straight off the boat from Italy who genuinely is just trying to make people happy with his food (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0yRXwopTRM).