Mystical Zenith
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What Is This, IKEA?
First: I love Café Borrone. I have loved Café Borrone for over 25 years. At 16, I used to order their frosted mocha like it was a beverage and not the fully loaded, sugar-frosted dessert masquerading as a drink that it is. (No regrets. I’d do it again right now. In fact, I just did) This place has been my go-to for comfort, caffeine, and classy chaos since I was wearing too much black eyeliner while secretly listening to NSYNC. It is a Menlo Park institution, and it’s always been five stars in my heart.
But this bagel? Please.
I ordered a lox bagel. That’s what it said on the menu. Not “Smoked Salmon Experience, DIY Edition.” Not “bagel and fish art installationn.” Just a classic, trustworthy, lox bagel.
What arrived? A “deconstructed” plate of the makings of my lunch. The bagel? Just sitting there. Split, bare, emotionally unavailable. a stack of cold, vaguely confused smoked salmon, as if to say, “I didn’t ask for this either.”
Listen. I get it. Culinary trends. Deconstruction is very in. But let’s set some boundaries. This isn’t a short rib foam reduction or a su vide coq au vin. This is a bagel. No one—NO ONE—goes at a lox bagel with a knife and fork. This is hand food. You’re supposed to grab it with both hands, tilt your head slightly, and accept that you’re going to smell like smoked fish for the next 45 minutes. It’s tradition.
Also, let’s be honest: there’s nothing cooked on a lox bagel. Not one single warm, sautéed, seared, grilled, or even slightly charred component. I could’ve gone to the supermarket, bought all of this in under 5 minutes, and assembled it at home in my pajamas while listening to a true crime podcast. I came to a café for brunch, not a DIY bagel project.
If I’m doing the labor, I better be getting a cut of that tip jar—and maybe a free frosted mocha for emotional support.
So yes, five stars—because Borrone is home. It’s nostalgic and beautiful and delicious. But this bagel? Let’s just say, next time, I’d like my brunch prepared, not delivered to me in parts like a smoked fish IKEA shelf named “LØXBRÖD.”