Darren T.
Yelp
A charming, urban establishment, bustling with servers in t-shirts and jeans, our arrival went barely noticed as we waited in line to be greeted. Despite being the first time today we had to wait, our slowly spent minutes amplified the golden caresses of that creamy, rich espresso that seeped from our imagination to our septum.
With 4.4 stars, and nearly 2 thousand reviews, our hopes for this place was high. Far from the quaint Roma enfants d'amour we were used to, the place seemed much closer to a snack bar, bar proper, or even restaurant. But as I remarked to my friend, "Even Deleuze enjoyed sandwiches and croissants with his Saturday morning coffees."
Our excitement was palpable, we could almost touch it.
The server returned with our coffees in ribbed cardboard cups and a credit machine, and we noted with amusement how we were served still in line. With no place for us to sit, we hurried back to our plaza di rendez-vous, a matted silver Camry from 2004, not unlike the color of old spoons, never accidented but Dreidutzend times dented. With Rachmaninov's second piano concerto on the AUX, we were ready.
Unveiling our brides, the first sign of horror that beheld us was the distinct lack of crema, that fundamental golden hair that crowned the surface of the most espresso. Smelling once was enough to spur a small cry from me.
"No no no no no!"
Lukewarm and tasting like soy sauce, I could not bring myself to go past the first sip. If the Café Olympico was subtle with its acridity, this one displayed it openly. Violently sour, not only was our bride bald, but she was also toothless, warted, and suffered from gangrene. We had been, quite plainly, catfished. It was Vietnam all over again.
At 3$, this coffee was not nearly 3 times better, nor even, arguably, as good, as the basic espresso from Tim Horton's that cost 1$. And that's not hard to beat.
Though we cannot speak for the rest of the establishment's offerings, we can only assume that there is whence this café derives its otherwise pristine reputation.
Parvis espresso rating out of 8.3 = (1/ln(2))/8.3