Troy M
Google
Luxxe? More like Caffé SUXX.
I walked into Caffé Luxxe in Malibu expecting a serene, espresso-scented oasis. Maybe a little slice of European elegance by the coast. Instead, I walked into a caffeine-fueled fever dream.
As I stood at the counter reading the menu (you know, as one does before purchasing anything), the staff asked me several times if I knew what I wanted each time with the subtle suspicion of someone making sure I wasn’t just there to breathe their artisanal air for free. I finally placed an order for my partner and myself, hoping that would smooth things over. Oh, how naïve I was.
Then came... the restroom key incident.
The moment I received the sacred key, a fellow customer rushed toward me like a caffeinated linebacker, grabbing at my hand and loudly declaring that he was there first. Sir, if you needed the restroom that badly, perhaps you should have asked before I held the key of destiny! The staff? Silent. Just watching the chaos unfold, as if it were some kind of avant-garde performance art. I stood there awkwardly clutching the key, wondering if I was on a hidden camera show.
After surviving that awkward gauntlet, I returned to my seat, ready to decompress and plan my vacation. I opened my laptop... only to discover: no Wi-Fi. In Malibu. In 2025. In a place that dares to call itself “Luxxe.”
From the rude clientele to the passive staff to the stunning lack of basic amenities, there was nothing luxurious about this experience. Caffé Luxxe? I think not. More like “Caffé Confuse-me-and-make-me-regret-my-life-choices.”