Joel S.
Yelp
I am originally from Tucson AZ. I grew up across the US, in places like Virginia, Maine, Utah, Wisconsin, Washington.... I have eaten many dishes at innumerable mexican restaurants, both authentic and the White Boy Hot Sauce variety.
When I tell you this is probably the worst meal i have ever had in a "mexican" dining establishment, I mean it from the deepest, darkest recesses of my heart. A place even the foulest creatures of middle-earth wouldn't dare roam. A place so unfathomable to modern man, it should be in a Lovecraft story.
Let me set the scene.
It's two days before my wife's birthday and her family wants to take her to dinner. We see Casa Colima on google with rave reviews. We love mexican food. Gucci gucci Louis louis. I order the fried tilapia, my wife got the grandote burrito, her family ordered a few combo plates (one of them got the burger, surely the safest, possibly the best choice of all) and spirits were high. I destroyed two bowls of chips and salsa, eager to make some gnarly tilapia tacos with my bare, sweaty hands.
When the dishes arrived, it was like the air was sucked out of the room. Sight had no color. Hearing had no sound. We had stepped into another dimension, one where the entire goal of existence was to offend every possible sense of the human body and mind and torture you in a food purgatory fit only for true demons of humanity. My tilapia looked and smelled like it was dredged up from the sewer, left outside for two days in Tacoma and then thrown in a microwave as carelessly as one throws old McDonalds fries into one. Flies began circling. I cannot make this shit up.
My wife's burrito had chicken that was rubbery, grey, devoid of any love, tender or true. Soulless. Her mothers dish? Made wrong *and* given to the wrong person at the table. She made it through about half a.... burrito? Whatever they put on the plate could barely pass for cat food for my overweight, disabled chunky little man. Another member of our group re-ordered twice and still got the wrong thing. A close confidant ordered the siete mares, and was bewildered at the devious concoction laid before him, including the worst octopus I'd ever gazed upon (and i am no stranger to enjoying octopus or squid in a succulent asian meal). Nobody, out of 6 people, finished their meal, nor were offered take home boxes; the staff didn't even believe their own lies.
This is the grimmest, saddest "mexican" place I have ever eaten at. The staff were nice but deep inside, I could sense the anguish they were in at having to peddle this slop to unsuspecting victims in the Vancouver area. This place had flies all over, nothing close to resembling fresh food, and prices so high I almost took out a mortgage on my house to pay for my meal alone. What low prices are people talking about? A soda is 5$. The cheapest dish *I* saw was about 16$. I've had better meals at Miguel's Chalupa Barn in midwest America or Valerie's in a refurbished Sonic in Cedar City UT. Enter at your own financial, mental, emotional, and health risk.
Thank god I live in Oregon.