Nathan I.
Yelp
There was a night in college that I had gone with some friends to a screening of the first "Lord of the Rings". It was free, and sponsored by the Campus Crusade for Christ. That didn't bother me so much, as I was a nominal Episcopalian at the time and almost naively ignorant of the crazy that bubbled furiously below the welcoming surface of the Evangelical Christian types.
The movie or the speech someone had about the Christian themes throughout the film was not controversial. However, the tightly-wound guy who came to speak to a theater full of college kids about pornography addiction and masturbation took me ever so slightly by surprise. Blind-sighted, I sat there in a stunned, uncomfortable silence as a handsome young man scuttled nervously back and forth across the stage, admitting to all sorts of nasty and perverted sexual addictions that took the phrase "TMI" and shot it so far out of bounds, it disappeared into the stratosphere. Apparently, he found Christ, and admitted everything to Him, too. I imagined Jesus listening to this guy in a psychiatrist's office, nervously watching the clock so he could tell him his time was up so He could hustle the weirdo out. For Señor Sex Crazed Porn Addict, finding Christ meant never touching yourself again until you find a girl as sexually repressed (and certifiably psychotic) as you are. In the meantime, you scar college kids at free "Lord of the Ring" screenings as some sort of bizarre catharsis for your own internal conflict. Next time, I'd rather just pay $7 for the damn movie ticket.
My point? I figured if that's the effect porn had on these kind of people, it was probably something I'd find hilarious and awesome. Ever since then, I've been thankful I'm someone who can walk into a sex shop and be utterly unfazed by everything surrounding me, like any well-adjusted adult should be. I never knew what happened to that guy, but I'd place money that he's probably either come out of the closet, running for office as a Republican, or perhaps both.
Jen and I needed bachelorette party swag for her friend's wedding out in the hill country later that week. The fact that the bride was a girl we went to college with who was also a lesbian throughout that time and is now marrying a man is another story for another time. But if it's penis she wanted, then it was penis she would receive.
I first browsed the sex dolls, of which there seemed to be plenty. I see they make them with squirting capabilities now. My favorites included a "Guidette Love Doll" featuring a Snooki look-alike on the front surrounded by such lofty calls to action as "Fill her 3 Greasy Gravy Holes" and "She'll Suck The Cream Right Outta Your Cannoli". Sigh. There was also Shane's World "College Party Doll", whose tagline read "Blow Me Up and You Don't Have to Buy Me Dinner". Funny, that's one of my life mottoes. Is that copyright infringement?
Jen was loading up on dick-shaped cake pans while I perused the dildos modeled after real male porn stars. I know a thing or two about the human body, and honestly, some of these were just not going to work on anyone. You'd save $100 buying an insanely thick cucumber at the market and throwing it out when you realize how uncomfortable it would be in any anatomical locale.
My God, this place has a lot of lube. I guess with rubber dongs like that for sale, you'd need it. I showed Jen the Swiss Navy brand lube, which I distinctly remember JB carried around in his "gym" (read: ho) bag. Unimpressed, she bought more penis-tipped items and moved along. I watched an instructional video on a rather complicated sex toy before it was time to check out.
Surprisingly, I received a 10% off coupon for my check-in at Dreamers. Sadly, in the middle of our transaction, we forgot to use it. Oh well...next time?
Nothing says Saturday morning like pancakes at Star Seeds followed by a trip to the porn store. At least in my world, it doesn't.
4 Stars.