Jason D.
Yelp
The gf wanted a tropical vacation; I wanted to go to burningman. Guess who got to choose? Since I've been going to the burn for two decades, I figured why not change it up.
Check in seemed easy, and when we arrived the room was ready. As has been stated in other reviews, ur gonna get pressured to be part of a VIP meet up. Since this isn't my first rodeo, I knew it was to get us to buy into a time share.
But before I go into detail let me preface this review by reminding you that this is a poor country, and the hard working staff earns less per day than a bottle of mediocre wine at BevMo. None of you would last a week working here, so be easy on the staff. I'd be an a55hole too if I had to wear a uniform in sweltering heat while listening to some fat midwestern bridge troll whining about her mini fridge not keeping her White Claws cold....
Some things to remember here champ, so listen up
1) you are in Mexico. Sometimes sh!t works, sometimes it doesn't. Everything in this area is sketchy, and the power grid is no exception. If you want things to work all day stay at home
2) it's tropical which means heat. And moisture. Moisture and heat means mold and some musty smells. Sorry if all those episodes of Gilligans Island you watched didn't prepare you for this.
3) it doesn't look like the online photos! Yea, well neither do you in your Tinder profile. Same goes for the ads... sure they exaggerate a little bit but you did too. 150 pounds? Sure you are....back in '82
The grounds are beautiful. Are they perfect? No, but I come from SoCal, so I'm used to homeless camps bigger than this place. Yea there are animals roaming the place, but I'd rather step over an iguana than a meth head passed out on my driveway. This isn't the Hyatt, so don't expect that. Yea, the place is a little worn out, but again it's mexico, (see #1 above) and honestly it gives the place some charm.
Our room was comfortable and spacious. To everyone whining about the hot water, two things to remember: sometimes the shower valves get put in backwards (see #1 above.) just turn the handle the other way. Second, there is one big boiler, so if water pressure and or heat isn't up to par, try waiting until later.
The bed was amazing and I've not slept this well in a long time. Housekeeping is unpredictable; deal with it
The restaurants:
1) World grill (the buffet)
It's a buffet. 'Nuff said. Is it the Wynn in Vegas? No, but it's ok. The fresh mozzarella cheese was a nice surprise and the pizza is made on-site and is amazingly good. Each night has a different themed cuisine too. Breakfast is typical: omelette bar, pastries, and various breakfast fare.
2) Portofino
Pretty average. Think "Mexican Olive Garden" and you will understand.
3) Hitsumi Asian
I liked this place. Average to above. Definitely go
4) Gohan Sushi
Limited rolls and appetizers. I would have liked more variety. Good quality fish, and flavorful too.
5) the Hibachi place (don't remember the name)
Absolutely fantastic. Sadly you need reservations though. Had that not been the case, I would have eaten there more than once. And the portions are generous, unlike all the other places
6) El Patio
Horrible. The name is appropriate too, as it tastes like it was made on the floor of a patio. Jesus tap dancing Christ, how does a place IN F@%KING mexico F@%K up mexican food?' Run don't walk from this gastrointestinal dumpster fire
7) Bordeaux
Above average French restaurant, given where you are. A native of France may not think so, but the closest I've been to France is Paris, Kentucky, so maybe don't take my word for it.
8) Seaside grill
Easy and convenient, and a pretty lax dress code, so perfect when you emerge from the ocean, covered in seaweed, lookin like the Creature from the Black Lagoon
9) CoCo cafe
Don't channel your inner soccer mom looking for a pumpkin spiced latte, cuz your gonna get a one way ticket on the disappointment express. That being said, everything on their menu is pretty good.
Off to the side is a smoothie and ice cream bar. Pretty meh, but meh ice cream is better than no ice cream
The alcoholic drinks at all the bars:
I actually have no idea as I don't drink. Tbh, I'm allergic to alcohol, because when I drink I break out in felonies!
There are a couple pools on the property, and if you're looking for quiet relaxation, you won't find it here. One always has some entertainment like water aerobics, which is awesome if you are into that stuff (no judgment here) or if you like to have two high energy guys armed with whistles and blazingly loud Latin electronic music teaching you how to do the Roomba.
The other pool has kids. Hey, I love kids... I was one once, but an adult pool would be nice. Still, looking back on it, the alcohol fueled adults were louder than a space shuttle launch. There is a direct correlation between number of drinks consumed and the decibel levels of drunk women. No Becky, I don't want to hear about your last pedicure