Elise M.
Yelp
DISCLAIMER: As someone with exactly 11.3% French heritage, I kindly ask that this review be read in a British accent for maximum appreciation. Merci.
Alright, Eloise and Nippleloas. I don't know who they are--maybe French royalty? Queen Elizabeth? Maybe they're just, like, really fancy people with fancy vibes. I mean, the name alone has me picturing Aberham Linken and the Boston tea party freak-offs.
First off, the burger. Hear me out--it's, like, Lizzo-level juicy. My napkin? Absolutely drenched. My soul? Forever changed. I think I might've even cried a little bit. It was that good.
Now, the alcohol. So, I ordered this drink called "Christmas Sparkles" or something equally cute and whimsical--I can't totally remember because all I could think was, ooooh shiny. But--it was NOT whimsical. It tasted kind of like if prison wine went to a really posh rehab and came back with a clean-cut-polished-trailer-park kinda vibe. I had one sip and immediately felt like a 17th-century single mother maiden fainting dramatically onto a chaise lounge (in a trailer). I mean, I'm a fragile, delicate, sensitive person (obviously), and this drink straight-up attacked my spirit. Who hurt it? Why is it so strong? What is it running from?
Anyway, overall, I give Eloise and Nippleloas, like, 4.3 stars because, honestly, that burger could probably end world hunger. But if you're a delicate flower like me, maybe skip the drinks unless you're ready to confront your own mortality. Cheers!
Tips for Improvement:
1) Founding Father Aesthetic:
Have the wait staff dress like Founding Fathers Like powdered wigs, trousers, and maybe even those little frilly feather things. Imagine being handed a burger by someone who looks like John Adams. Hot.
2) Community Connection:
Incorporate more of a "community" feeling by fostering deep, meaningful conversation. For example, have TVs playing only the presidential debate or a lively discussion on the pros and cons of Roe v. Wade. Nothing brings people closer than fiery political discourse over a mortal, life-sucking, isopropyl Christmas cocktail!
3) Total Blackout Ambiance:
Black out all the windows and paint the walls black. You want customers to feel like they've entered a mysterious, emo dimension where burgers orbit the depths of the earth and time doesn't exist. This would pair beautifully with the Founding Father outfits, creating a one-of-a-kind gothic-historical mashup. #spooky!
These small changes could take Eloise and Nippleloas from 4.3 stars to an easy 5. Keep slinging those juicy burgers bad boys!!!! I'll be back probably in a powdered wig and parachute pants.
XOXO, Elise