Richard W.
Yelp
**"FELIX'S: THE MUSICAL (AND YES, IT'S A DAMN FIVE-STAR REVIEW!)"**
[ACT I - "WELCOME TO FELIX'S, BABY!"]
Spotlight hits center stage. A disco ball descends slowly. A glittery bartender swings from the rafters holding two Tito's and sodas like dual-wielding gay Excaliburs.
CHORUS (Drag Queens, Muscle Twinks, and One Sassy Auntie in a Muumuu):
"Welcome to Felix's, where the vibes don't lie,
It's a gay bar dream under ATL's sky!
Whether you're femme, butch, trade, or just nosy,
This place got more flavor than your grandma's mac and cheesy!"
[ACT II - "THE STAFF THAT DESERVES A DAMN TONY"]
*The bar back wall splits open like a RuPaul runway, revealing... the staff, each entering with dramatic wind machines and choreography stolen straight from Beyoncé's Super Bowl performance.*
KIP - The ringmaster of ridiculous charm.
"He mix drinks so fine, you'll forget your man AND your credit score!"
JOHN - Smiles like Jesus, pours like Dionysus.
"That man served me a margarita and a midlife crisis in one sip!"
OLIVIA - If sass were a weapon, she got a license to carry.
"She told a drunk frat boy to 'sit down and Google boundaries'--I STOOD AND APPLAUDED."
ANDY - Looks like a Calvin Klein model, moves like a So You Think You Can Dance finalist.
"He twirled while pouring shots--baby, that's talent AND core strength!"
CANDACE - Mother. Matriarch. Menace to weak drinks.
"She fixed my whiskey coke and my self-esteem in the same night."
BETSI - The customer service sniper.
"She saw I was crying in the corner, handed me a tequila, and whispered 'Men ain't shit.' Instant healing."
PARAN - Smooth like butter, sharp like stilettos.
"He remembered my name, my drink, AND the tea I told him three Saturdays ago. Paran is the NSA of nightlife."
ZADDY - Unseen, unnamed, but deeply felt.
"He don't need a name 'cause his energy be like: 'You safe here, AND I'm lowkey bench pressing a Civic in the back.'"
[ACT III - "THE CLIMAX (AND YES, IT'S SEXUAL... ENERGY)"]
A Donna Summer power ballad builds. The dance floor pulses. A patron does a split. Somebody cries in the bathroom, but it's a healthy cry. A couple makes up. Somebody else hooks up. The glitter falls like rain.
"Felix's ain't just a bar--it's a damn rite of passage,
A glittery, giddy, gay-ass gay oasis!
You'll come for the drinks, you'll stay for the fam,
And you'll leave humming showtunes with a vodka in hand!"
[CURTAIN CALL - "FIVE STARS, NO NOTES"]
"So if you in Atlanta and you need a lil' bliss,
Park that booty at Felix's and get you a kiss!
Tell 'em the cast sent ya, with a dramatic wink,
Five stars, baby--this bar's the missing link!"
*Standing ovation. Somebody throws a jockstrap on stage. The ghost of Judy Garland nods in approval.*
*******
Mic drop. Martini raise.
FELIX'S. Y'all better SING.