Sven O.
Yelp
Someone mentioned that the Green Mill in a St Cloud, MN was heard to have an above average Thanksgiving buffet. It turns out this advice was rather forgiving in its appraisal of the offering at this establishment.
We were greeted by a hostess who showed us to our table, a setting akin to any cafeteria table at your local middle school. Once seated we were left to fend for ourselves. Obviously at a banquet style dinner one doesn't expect to order food, but perhaps a beverage would be nice?
We began trying to make the most of it and dared ourselves to engage the oddly arranged presentation of isolated tables with a few of those unremarkable metallic food warming things placed on each. The turkey was over here, the gravy (using the term in only a way something out of a store bought jar could a describe) over there, the stuffing somewhere else, all surrounding the highlight of the operation... the dessert tray.
After solving the plate filing puzzle that someone, somewhere dreamt up the night before the festivities began, amidst what had to be a heavily intoxicated haze, we found our way back to our table.
The highlight was the ham, if only for the reason that I witnessed someone "carve" it off an actual ham. And after devouring said ham, I realized something; since we entered this hall, there has not been one member of what people in the food serving business call wait staff. We had no beverages, no stand to get a beverage, no person to get us a beverage, there wasn't even water, anywhere in the hall!
Whatever we'll make the most of it. The conversation was a pleasant distraction from the dry, salt induced reality we found ourselves in. You know the feeling. That sensation brought on by eating processed food that had been tortured under the unregulated furnace that is one of those metal warming things. Parched is an understatement.
One of our party had enough and went to the only employee we had seen since entering the hall, the hostess. And minutes later there was something amazing that happened... a second employee was witnessed, and she was headed our way! Sweet Jesus let it be true.
Well, it did indeed turn out to be true. She took our beverage order and was off to procure that which was so entirely necessary to continue eating this high quality, err... food.
A third employee made his way to our table and asked us for our beverage order?!? I struggled to free my tongue from the roof of my now dehydrated and glue-like mouth to explain to him that our order had already been taken and that the second employee should be bringing our drinks out shortly (please god, please).
The third employee then mentioned that, get this, the second employee is actually the manager AND she told him to come take our beverage order because that is not her job.
LOL, literally, I laughed out loud when he said that. So, not only did she not get our drinks, but she refused to even disseminate the ever so necessary drink order she had taken some time ago. This is management at it's finest, highly communicative, empowering, and goal oriented.
Needless to say, the third employee eventually arrived with our drinks and promptly emptied his tray on the closest patch of table he could find and then POOF, he was gone. Fantastic, at least we have liquid. We have no idea which liquid belongs to who, but it's wet and in front of us, and we needed that.
The entire table, almost in unison, gulped whichever glass was closest and we all smiled. Thirst quenched, we were left to evaluate whether a second trip to the feed bag was in order. Turns out, it wasn't, not for a single one of us, except one daring sole. And upon her bravery, there were a few other intrepid souls. My hat goes off to them as they forced their bodies to endure the trial they knew was ahead.
I can only assume they were under the impression that at this point, beverages would be a regular feature of this dining experience. Sadly, they would soon learn that the arid, waterless existence of the very near past was but foreshadowing of the reality to come.
The third employee never reappeared. The second employee was no where to be seen. And the sticky, paste-like film in their mouths was the parting gift, a gift thoughtful in its undeniable presence.
It was made clear to us that our time of thankful revelry had passed, checks were strewn about our table, as a horde of minions began stacking chairs, breaking down tables, and doing whatever with what had been presented as "food".
Needless to say, it will be a Thanksgiving to remember, and not for the reason any business owner should be proud of. The dining experience at the Green Mill on 4th, attached to the Kelly Inn in St. Cloud, MN was horrendous. An experience that all but ensures neither myself, nor anyone in our dinner party, nor any soul I can forever each, will be enjoying any experiences at this establishment in the unending future.
Signing off