Thomas C.
Yelp
Wow, Bend has done it again. Another overpriced, overhyped spot clearly designed for tourists and the freshly imported rich Californians who've turned this once great town into a parody of itself.
Let's be real, pizza already has one of the highest profit margins in the food world. Slap the word "Artisan" on it and watch the yuppies line up like it's a Michelin event. I held off trying this place, knowing it'd be swamped with Bend's finest. Those mysterious "locals" who somehow don't work yet manage to crowd every new "must-try" restaurant in town. Add their "limited hours" and you've got the classic fake scarcity formula Californians can't resist.
Meanwhile, I'm part of the working class. Three jobs deep just to stay afloat in the town I grew up in and got priced out of. I finally decided to treat myself, and what a mistake that was.
The service? Miserable. The staff looked like they'd rather be anywhere else. Honestly, I can't blame them if they're stuck catering to entitled transplants all day in a place so loud you can't hear yourself think and packed so tight you start learning strangers life stories by accident. It felt less like dining out and more like surviving a noisy social experiment.
The pizza? A $30 exercise in disappointment. Tough, chewy crust. Weird flavor combos. Missing the simple things that make pizza pizza. And the size! Let's just say I've seen coasters bigger than that pie. It looked like something you'd serve to a Barbie doll who's counting carbs.
And just when I thought it couldn't get more absurd, the waitress asked if we wanted parmesan, ranch, or honey. "Sure," we said, why not? Turns out "why not" costs $8. My blood boiled faster than their brick oven. Pro tip: maybe mention "Would you like parmesan, ranch, or honey for an additional charge?" so people can decline the privilege of being upsold basic condiments.
Needless to say, I deducted that $8 straight from the tip. Call it balancing the universe if you will.
In short: Bend keeps building overpriced, soulless spots that confuse "pretentious" with "premium." If mediocrity with a side of attitude (and a pizza the size of a Kennedy half dollar) is your thing, you'll love it here. Otherwise, save your money, and your sanity.