Christopher Lew
Google
Ristorante L’Acciuga – Michelin Star or Michelin Tire?
Tucked glamorously next to an auto body shop in the picturesque lowlands of Perugia (yes, the GPS did not glitch—this is intentional), you’ll stumble upon the delightfully baffling Ristorante L’Acciuga. Quirky? Oh, absolutely—if by quirky you mean a Frankenstein patchwork of vibes: a little fine dining, a dash of grandma chic, a pinch of flea market randomness… none of it quite fitting together, yet here we are.
Parking feels like you’re abandoning your car on the shoulder of a minor highway. And once inside? Expect service with a shrug. My friend, a left-handed waterless wonder, had his place setting corrected wrong multiple times—because apparently being left-handed is a Michelin offense. To add sparkle to the chaos, the staff poured sparkling water into his still water glass like it was some avant-garde hydration roulette. Very experimental. Very… misguided.
As for the food—well, it certainly looked nice, kind of like runway models who forgot how to walk. One dish had carrots paired with sweet ice cream (??), a flavor combo that screamed Help me, I’m trapped in a Top Chef challenge gone rogue. The tuna, sous-vide to an odd grayness, was generously topped with enough iodized salt to season Lake Trasimeno. Another dish featured cod risotto mysteriously drenched in what tasted like recycled eel consommé—I swear it was the same broth from the dish two courses earlier. It felt like a sad, underfunded sequel to Jaws, but the fish was mechanical and overacting: Jaws 5 – The Leftovers Strike Again.
And speaking of fishy—let’s talk about the bathroom. Ever wondered what it smells like when a 55-year-old chain-smoker douses himself in fading Acqua di Parma to mask body odor? Now add a splash of tire grease and stale mop water. It’s a full sensory assault. Oddly enough, it was the one thing that snapped me back to reality—a pungent reminder that this fever dream of a meal was, in fact, real life.
We had just come from Ada the night before, which was a masterclass in hospitality, elegance, and taste. L’Acciuga, by contrast, felt like it was auditioning for a Michelin tire endorsement, not a star.
