Ian D.
Yelp
I'm always on the lookout for a good croissant - light, buttery, flakey layers that transport one to a French breakfast Nirvana.
So in my neverending search I googled "Best croissants in Austin" and La Patisserie popped up... So naturally I went out of my way to go and try one
What I got instead was a croissant more dense than a neutron star; something that when I left out on the coffee table, not even my dog wanted, fearing it too heavy to bring back to her bed to gnaw on...
If your croissant makes a *thud* shoud when you lightly toss it on the counter top, you have not only failed as a baker, you have brought shame to your family and community, and should be banished to the forest, or some crumbling castle in the mountains... with not even the company of anthropomorphic furniture, dinnerware, or culturally insensitive knick-knacks
that and their total lack of anything with "jellies" in it [which admittedly is more german than french, so somewhat forgivable; until you realize you're baking in TX],
a sparse collection of mis-shapen, chocolate drizzeled monstrosities laughably called "pasteries" and not correctly called "Crimes against Doughmanity"
off-colored macaroons that genuinely activated a flight response in my lizard brain, telling me "do NOT eat this! Probably poisonous!",
a grab and go selection of canned spritzers and small bottles of sparkling mixers,
a total lack of clientel even during a late morning hour in the S. 1st neighborhood indicates to me this is either a place that caters exclusively to Yuppies and Dinks who need clumsey, sweet, but yet nutrient dense fascimilies of French pasteries after a hard night of dinner party drinking [I swear I tasted a hint of redbull as a 'leavening' agent]
That or they are laundering money for Austin's local drug cartels... because it's hard to explain just how anyone can create a croissant that would make better construction material than breakfast food. Or how they have enough money to ensure their SEO got them tagged as "one of the best croissants in Austin"... or maybe their owner is a nepo-baby who has never actually tasted a croissant, but only seen pictures of them.
The terrible alternative is that it is - in fact - one of the "best", and that possiblity is both horrifying, and an indictment of Austin's city motto... "keep it wierd" as one of perverse, reprehensible irony