Jonathan Fernandez
Google
Ah, Mississippi Studios — Portland’s premier venue for live music, overpriced drinks, and astonishingly gifted bouncers who possess the supernatural ability to detect imaginary drunkenness.
I, a person of color, had the absolute pleasure of being denied entry to a show on Saturday, March 29th — a show I paid for, by the way — because, according to the gatekeeper of the night, I “stumbled.” Huh? Did I black out mid-sentence while completely sober? That’s news to me, because I hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol all day. Nada. Zilch. But thank you, Mississippi Studios, for letting me know I apparently need to work on my walking.
This all happened in front of my girlfriend, who I was attending the show with. Romantic evening, right? Wrong. It turns out gently nudging your girlfriend’s shoulder in a playful way is code for “inebriated mess” in the Mississippi Studios universe. Perhaps they run a secret bootcamp where staff are trained to spot people having a good time and immediately deny them access.
When I politely explained that I hadn’t drunk anything, was completely sober, and even offered to take a breathalyzer on the spot (you know, like someone who’s not drunk might do), the bouncer looked me dead in the eye and said… “Have a good evening.”
And that’s it. No accountability. No clarification. Just an ego trip and a wasted night. I guess “Portland nice” now includes gaslighting patrons and treating sobriety as suspicious behavior.
But hey — if you’re looking for a venue where imaginary stumbles are treated like federal offenses, Mississippi Studios is your spot. Who needs fairness or logic when you can be arbitrarily judged by a bored doorman with a God complex?
Thanks for absolutely nothing, Mississippi Studios. I hope your bouncers are at least awarded honorary PhDs in Assumption and Discrimination.