Bryn R.
Yelp
I really wanted to like this place. The fact that we rolled the dice and booked a room here instead of Motel 6 should be evidence of this enough. We've been spoiled, though, by the Select Registry of Inns (www.selectregistry.com), and made the incorrect assumption that everyone who runs a historic old inn knows what the hell they're doing.
The downstairs lobby and common-area rooms really were very nice. Tastefully decorated with antiques, loaded with what they like to call "architectural details". The grounds were pretty, too, with a park-like lawn streching down to the river. But all the crown molding in the world could not make up for the atrocity of the bed we had to sleep on. These people fail to understand: most important thing about a "bed and breakfast" is the definitely the "bed" part.
The bumbling innkeeper led us upstairs to the room. As we walked into the "luxury" Cass Room, I spied the mattress, and knew immediately we made a mistake. It was the cheapest, thinnest, hardest, most uncomfortable mattress I have ever slept upon (or at least, attempted to sleep upon) in my entire life. It was like a prison bed.
Quality bedding is kinda important to me, because I have worse back posture than Shrek. That I don't suffer chronic backpain (yet) is directly related to the fact that, while at home, I sleep on one of the most expensive mattresses that money can buy...a double-pillow top, 19" deep monster of a mattress filled with pixie dust and magic clouds and marshmallows and angel poop. (My car is paid off, but my mattress is NOT.) You can sleep through a NATO air strike on this thing. However, all those years of TLC and preventative care for my back went straight out the window within 30 minutes trying to sleep on this hellish thing at Montague Inn. (Was it quarried locally? Is that the deal?) I've had more comfortable nights sleeping on college dorm room floors (here's looking at you, Louise O!) I finally gave up and shuffled over to the tiny loveseat and spent the night there, my giant ogre feet flopping a good 18" over the edge.
I checked out some other unoccupied rooms in the morning, just to see if the Cass Room was an anomoly. To my disgust, most of the other rooms contained TWIN beds, with equally sadistic mattresses. This is supposed to be an inn for middle-aged adults, right? So then why the hell do you have twin beds in every room? Maybe it's "historically accurate" to be totally uncomfortable at night. And maybe they should release some polio virus here, too, just to complete the historical context.
And this doesn't even say anything about the bathrooms. Our shower was like a travelling exhibit from the holocaust museum. But I can forgive a quirky old bathroom if I've had a decent night of sleep.
Dear Innkeeper: Sell some of those lovely oil paintings and buy some goddamn real beds for your guests. I hate having to slam a place like this...I want it to succeed....but the beds are unacceptably bad. You'll be finding me at Motel 6 next time around, clutching my spunk-riddled pillow and praying that someday, someone at the Montague Inn buys a clue.