Fox E.
Yelp
I wrote this rap about the smoothies at nJOI
The Mango-Strawberry's so good it will anNOY
Don't gulp it too quickly, this drink is not a TOY
And I'll tell you the story of how I found my BOY
My boy is named Mochi and he's actually a CAT
He was skin and bones but now I've made him FAT
He catches cockroaches and once killed a RAT
They say he's superfeline, but I dunno bout THAT
When Hurricane Harvey hit, he became posSESSED
He tried to puncture my girlfriend's left fake BREAST
He bit right through my finger and made me dePRESSED
I said he was bipolar, he meowed and conFESSED
But I don't really mind cause he's so damn FURRY
And when it's time for bed he gets so snuggly and PURRY
He might bite off your finger but there's no need to WORRY
Cause he'll buy you Njoi Smoothies as his way of saying SORRY
WHAT
WHAT to get: Mango Strawberry Smoothie with Tapioca
WHAT not to get: Bitten by Moch McGoch
Bambu has the greatest smoothies on earth, plural - Honeydew, Taro Coconut, Coffee, and Berry flavours. But Njoi has the best single smoothie on earth. There is something truly magical about the Mango Strawberry smoothie here. I have never tasted anything like it in history.
I Njoi recounting my stories on Yelp, even though nobody reads them. I can prove it. If you're reading this, send me a compliment or message to say that you read it. See! I knew it! Just kidding, I don't mind whether people read them or not. Like most of our generations, I just like to hear myself talk. I mean write. I mean meow.
Speaking of meowing, this is the sacred location where I discovered a tiny baby kitten out front of the store, mewing like crazy. He had no family. He had nowhere to go. He was dying in the summer Houston heat. First I gave him water. Then I gave him food. Then he followed me to my car. Now he lives with me. His name is Mochi. He's perhaps the most cuddly, purry, loving cat in cuddly, purry, loving cat history. He almost cost me a finger. And he's worth it. More on him later.
Service is nice here, less so if you come an hour or less before closing. Some of them know me fairly well since I'm always coming in here for the same smoothie. They use fresh fruit - that's probably part of why they're the best. The mango strawberry is the defining smoothie for me. Everywhere I go I tend to order mango strawberry in the hope that it could be anywhere near as good as the one here - as of yet it has not been. I doubt it ever will be.
Bambu in Chinatown (and other locations as well), Tapioca Place in Spring Branch, and a couple of places around the country can rival these smoothies, but nobody can beat it. Their coffee flavored smoothies are also really excellent and their tapioca is yumsworthy. And the Mango-Strawb is the #1 I've had anywhere.
They close way too early (8pm but don't go after 7), and sometimes there are sketchy characters in the parking lot (and I'm not talking about portrait artists).
So back to my cat. I have a very soft spot for this Plaza and this Juice Spot because I found my little baby Mochi outside here. Tiny and skinny and underfed and ready to die. There are pictures attached so you can see the whole thing unfold for yourself.
He was just a little baby. I took him home with me, moved him back to Buffalo, and then later back to Houston at his request. He made great friends with all the cats (OK most of the cats) in Buffalo and Houston, and despite his occasional temper and violent tendencies (I sound like a mother describing her serial killer son), he is the cuddliest, most loving cat imaginable. So full of love. I'm so glad I managed to save him.
I told the girls working here the story of Mochi and they didn't remember him. But whichever girls were working here in the summer of 2016 are part of the reason that Mochi was saved, because when I first found him, they told me that Mochi was a stray and that was the only reason I was able to take him home with me with a clear conscience.
Speaking of a clear conscience, may would you like to clear my conscience? And by clear I mean see, and by conscience I mean me naked.
Now let's finish with one more verse de la rappe.
YO my name is Fox and I've never been COY
I wanna be a girl, but I was born a BOY
My dream job is test-driving that sex TOY (points)
I wanna get pumped like Brad Pitt in TROY
(I meant BY, not LIKE, or was it a deCOY)
I can be anyone you want, even James McAVOY
I'll dress up as a girl, if you like, as a PLOY
I'll even whine and moan high-pitched (like a girl, not a GOY)
I'll nbend over nshow you nsomething you can ndestROY
They better hear me screaming all the way to St. CROIX
When you're done with it, it better look like bok CHOY
Make me sound Latina so I start screaming OYE
I'll be so good for you you'll feel like Selena Gomez's BOY
In fact I'll be so good that I'll be someone you emPLOY
(BTW I blow harder than wind in IlliNOIS)
Oh crap this rap is 17 lines not 16 (settle down ROY)
Anyway, the best smoothie on earth is at NJOI!!
WHAT!