Emma W.
Yelp
This place needs to be condemned. I walked in today and immediately hit a wall of stank that was so putrid I felt like Jodi Foster in the Silence of the Lambs when they go to the morgue to investigate the remains of one of the dead skinned girls. Unfortunately unlike Jodi Foster I did not have anything to put under my nose to neutralize the smell.
Against my better judgment, as I was desperate for caffeine, I ordered a drip coffee. Then, with one hand holding the coffee and the other blocking air from entering my nasal passageway, I scuttered over to the cream and sugar counter. All the carafes were blooming with bacteria and fungi..was this the source of the stank?? That's up for debate. As I look over across the bar I see garbage bag upon garbage bag covering the counter with no sign that anyone had noticed they were there. I started to question myself--was I seeing the ghosts of garbage past?? was everyone in the restaurant dead? I tapped someone on the shoulder and asked what day it is they correctly responded Monday. I don't know if that confirms that they are in fact alive but I went with it. I ran out of the place faster than you can say, "report this place to the board of health!".
As I walked farther and farther away from the place I started to feel calmer and calmer, like I had escaped the vortex of evil and destruction that is Pavement Coffeehouse by BU Central. I thought back to the time that I was in the women's restroom and a cockroach crawled over my foot, I forgave them for that. I thought back to the time where they put BACON in my vegan friend's OATMEAL. I forgave them for that. I thought back to the time they played Brittney Spears "Toxic" at 10 decibels at 8 am, and I even forgave them for that... But this time is different. In the words of Brittney Spears, Pavement, don't YOU know that you're toxic? I have since reported these issues to the Massachusetts Board of Health.
In summary, if you are looking to lose a lot of weight, I suggest contracting E. Coli, order a salad. If you want to be successful, I suggest drinking the matcha latte where you will likely ingest the eggs of a brain eating parasite and contract lockjaw, loosing IQ points and gaining what it takes to be a popular united states politician. If you want to become a superhero (or a super villain) I suggest getting bit by a diseased rat, of which I have plenty of reason to suspect exists in the kitchen of the coffeehouse. If you are feeling frisky and are down to take those risks, dine at Pavement, BUT you're probably better off running in the other direction and drinking the Charles River water raw.