Nick B.
Yelp
Barista failed to address me as "Your Lordship" and would not refund my bagel sandwich with only 37 bites out of it. Pastries were at least four hours old, and they clearly used cassia in their so-called "cinnamon" shaker. I arrived five minutes before their listed opening hours and was not even shown in, and when I returned the next day, there was not a single doily to be found in the men's room! Wifi facilities were inferior, and I was barely able to torrent Seasons 1-5 of The Office before my connection timed out!
I am owed a better class of service than this, because I own a chain of over 1,500 coffeeshops across the Greater Kalamazoo area, plus I own a mansion and a yacht. Also, the coffee is no good for reasons I can not and will not describe in detail, plus you should win prizes just for drinking it. If I could give negative fifty stars, I would, but I have to give them at least one.
(Haha, just kidding. It's a coffeeshop. You give them money and they give you coffee. The baristas are exactly as polite as someone in the service industry should be. The bagel sandwich was good, and the bagel was actually much fresher than I've gotten in many "five-star" cafes that Yelpers seem to love. Coffee was indeed a bit bitter, but I'm not an entitled twerp, so I rolled with it and had a good time in their lovely building.)