Kevin K.
Yelp
Please consult the asian cafe inverse pink rule before entering.
Have you ever walked into an establishment where you instantly realized something is "off" but you just can't seem to find a way to extricate and re-evaluate your decision, and you just want the experience to be over as soon as possible? For me I call it "pulling a Heather" after one of my blind dates that went so badly that I felt like on a knife's edge for weeks afterwards - it wasn't entirely the looks (oh, I'll explain that one shortly) but the basics (the conversation turned into how she wants a big family), the details (eh, I appeared on the lock screen wallpaper on her iPhone?) and her cousin (a former coworker buddy who thought I was perfect for her). When I walked into softBite my first reaction was "oh god, it is Heather all over again".
So what was wrong? Well, I call it the asian cafe inverse pink rule, a variation of my inverse Mexican rule: the more the establishment spends on decor, the less likely it'll be good on food and services. The worst Mexican places I've been to had goofy lights, Corona banners, Sombreros and Mariachi outfits all over, like they are trying to visually convince you that they are a real Mexican joint despite flavorless rice, dull mole, stale protein in the Enchiladas, lousy service, and etc. To follow the same logic, mediocre asian cafes seems to spend more money on decor than the soft product (food and service) - and the more desperate they are, the more likely they will postrate to the goddess Pantone 182. Now there's nothing wrong with decor per-se, some of the more memorable cafes I go to (Kado on the south side of Osaka, Replika in Montreal, Devocion in Flatiron) exude a sense of style with easy self-confidence about them - it's a reflection of the owner's taste, and not some need to chase Instagram influenza - pastel pink, delibrately fluffy merch, fake flowers, "designer" cutlery or ceramic dishes trying to create that "perfect photo" or whatever - which only works if you are eternally pandering to 16 year old girls.
Well, to continue the story of my blind date, she did play off her tomboyish looks by trying to pull off a female tux. Now don't get me wrong...ladies can look good wearing a tux...just check out Masami Nagasawa on Vaundy's music video for "Todome no Ichigeki", but in this case, she had on a pink tux that made her look more like a mix between Detective Conan (the anime boy detective) and a pink penguin, and I am not sure if I should walk her to the train...or call social services and have them collect a missing boy after that disastrous date was over. I literally avoided Southwestern Brooklyn for years on end, and inexplicably my buddy thought the date went well based on her feedback. It took some Herculean effort to make him realize that I was traumatized by her first impressions. Supposedly it was her aunt's work outfit (as a what? Harvey Milk Kindergarten teacher?) and some really truly terrible dating advice from her cousins, but yeah, not meant to be.
So, eh, Softbite. Was the decor good? eeeeh it was very Heather-like. Cozy...but really hard for a guy to take a lady here repeatedly (think Serendipity 3 except with an even bigger girl-cave vibe). How was the food? Eh, I had better Kissaten (Japanese cafe) food, I had cheaper kissaten food, and it was definitely one of the meals that I ever had. I just can't say that it was remarkable since I didn't get that much for the price, and whatever I got (curry katsudon, mentaiko pasta) wasn't memorable. The matcha drinks? It was pretty but it was also unremarkable. The souffle pancakes? Eh, it was flavorless - like foamy mush. Service is kinda indifferent, not unfriendly but also not attentive. I guess what threw me over the edge was how remarkably hostile the silverware set on the table was - the weight on that golden cutlery set was unbalanced, the spoon felt weird to use (doesn't seem to fit a human mouth), and the fork felt like it might fly off my hands due to its odd bottom heavy balance). Normally the missus enjoys her asian desserts and I am a major cafe nerd, but much like Heather, I really can't find a good reason to give this one another chance.