Buffalo Bill
Google
If you’ve ever wanted to experience the vibe of a SoundCloud mixtape colliding with a failed Portland city council meeting, South Waterfront Park is your jam. Nestled right between overpriced condos and the Willamette River, this “park” is more like a stage for the post-apocalyptic circus that is downtown Portland.
The grass is decent if you can find a patch not currently being used as a mattress by a dude who looks like he just time-traveled from a 1997 Korn concert. Don’t worry, he’ll offer you a cigarette butt and some unsolicited political opinions while scratching himself with what I can only hope is a back scratcher.
The real entertainment, though, is the the colorful locals who swear they’re the next Kendrick Lamar but forgot the part about rhythm, talent, or knowing more than one verse of a song. They hotbox the park’s air with blunts strong enough to drop a moose, all while yelling lyrics like they're summoning spirits. Honestly, it's impressive how passionately off-beat one person can be.
Oh, and the homeless? They’re here too—because Portland! It’s a living, breathing PSA for mental health funding. One guy offered to sell me a squirrel. Another was arguing with a fire hydrant about child support.
That said… solid food options nearby. Gotta hand it to Portland—chaos may reign, but they know how to serve a decent beer or overpriced impossible burger(whatever that is). You’ll eat with the paranoia of someone who knows a meth-head might steal your sandwich mid-bite, but hey, memories are priceless.
So if you’re into scenic views, rogue trap music, secondhand high, and the occasional knife fight near a latte kiosk, this park’s for you. It’s Portland distilled into one little riverside corner of madness. Five stars for the experience.