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OK it's time to admit what I do for a living. I am the head of MI6, the British Secret Service (international division). My codename is "M". I have a gadget person named "Q" and a bunch of "double O" agents who are more like "multiple O" agents from my experience but that's beside the point. My code number is "0069". My best agent is 007-and-a-half, he's a bit of a druggie but he's a fantastic marksman and all-round bright spark. His name is Bong. James Bong.
I sent Bong to the capital of India on a mission recently. I communicated this to my superior in NYC with a three word telegram. I abbreviated the word "sent" to "st" for brevity, and I'm not very good at spelling Indian city names. The telegram read "St James Deli."
Unfortunately it was intercepted by the Mexican Secret Police currently working in Queens with one of their many Cartels to distribute white powder and such. They're posing as taco makers and breakfast chefs in Astoria. They needed to name their fake restaurant, saw my telegram, and thought it was the perfect name for a business. And now you know... the true story... about how this business got its name. Don't tell anyone. Or the taco gets it. Not your taco. Well yes your taco if you want but I wasn't specifically referring to... okay never mind.
What to get: Chorizo & Egg Taco (Chorizo con Huevos taco)
And what: Anything with Chorizo and Egg from here is f***ing heavenly, and their green sauce too. Get Chorizo and Egg on a roll like Eric said. He knows his shizz.
What else: If you're still hungry, I know a girl in Astoria who will let you eat her taco too
And what else: I offer you some girl's taco and you still aren't satisfied. Srsly
I came here on a Queens food tour, and have been back many times, most recently in April for my 5th visit. They have all kinds of hot grilled deliciousness 24 hours a day, and my fave item... Chorizo Egg tacos. Or a Chorizo Egg roll even. Hell yes.
Garland: Some guy owns two other delis (NY Avenue Deli and TN Avenue Deli). He's buying St. James Place Deli so he can build a hotel. Orange you glad I told you that? I included this joke to prove that I don't have a monopoly on humour in my reviews. Now please. Move directly to the next paragraph. Do not pass gas. Do not collect tacos.
What I love about St. James Deli:
(1) It's open 24 hrs and that is f***ing awesome - like finding out the rash is nothing and you don't actually have an STD, or at least not a bad one
(2) The servers are friendly, even in the middle of the night - speaking of friendly in the middle of the night, you should check out the Astoria girl I told you about
(3) The Chorizo & Egg taco is juicy, greasy, salty and delicious - and speaking of juicy delicious salty grease, I have some right here if you want some
(4) It's in an overpriced neighborhood (Astoria - the only overpriced part of Queens maybe) and yet it's dirt cheap - not that dirt is necessarily cheap, for example I know a girl that is very very dirty and does not come even remotely cheaply, or at all in fact, unless you make quite the investment
(5) They makes tacos that both real Mexican taco lovers love, and non Mexicans who don't understand tacos, also love - so it appeals to everyone of all genders and races, and house pets too - kind of like my bedroom techniques
(6) There isn't really a number six, but I really want to get to seven because of seventh heaven and these tacos really are heavenly
(7) The name allows me to do a James Bong review, and also make a long numbered list that is reminiscent of Judi Dench's "M": a bean-counter, an accountant, more interested in her numbers than Bong's instincts, who she sees as a dinosaur, a relic of the cold war. Bong's boyish charms are lost on her... lost in her taco maybe?
What I don't love about St. James Deli:
(1) Well, um...
(2) I... I mean... well...
(3) ...
(4) Nothing. Positively nothing - just like my most recent STD screening results
(5) Although wouldn't that be negatively nothing?
(6) No matter, the numbered list can stop now
(7) I said stop the motherf***ing numbered f***ing list you f***ing idiot.
So without further ado, I'd like to crown this the longest review in history that really only talks about tacos. Congratulations for reading this far. You just wasted another 4 and a half minutes of your life. Now check out memes and "hottest athletes of 2015" slideshows for the next 55 min 30 secs. You're welcome.
Ooh, I said secs.
This review will self destruct in 7 seconds. We're seven seconds away. But just as long as I stay. I'll be waiting.
And when a child is born into this world, it has no concept of the tone of skin its living in
And there's a million voices
And there's a million voices to tell you what you should be thinking
So you better sober up for just a second
We're se...
(Boom)
(Review Explodes)
(Silence)
(Taco falls to the floor)
(Chorizo and Egg fall out of taco onto said aforementioned floor)
(Tragic music plays)
(Credits roll)