Chris K.
Yelp
I recently visited the beautiful City of Minneapolis for a friend's bachelor party. After an eventful day we found our way to The Basement Bar for the evening. This place has a great set up for a group like ours. Some of us hit the dance floor as the DJ was spinning those funky beats, while others posted up in the comfortable lounge area with some tasty beverages. I, on the other hand, was immediately drawn to another of the establishment's features: The Claw Game. ("The Claawww" - The Aliens from Toy Story).
Some informative yet possibly superfluous background information: I had quite a pleasant childhood; never wanting for any of life's necessities and few of life's comforts. However, I was strictly forbidden from ever partaking in The Claw Game. My father, God rest his soul, believed it was a waste of time and money. The great Marshall Mathers once wrote, "You want what you can't have/Ooh girl that's too damn bad." Yelpers, let me tell you, those words ring true. Now that I've moved out of the house, gotten my own job, and my dad died, I play The Claw Game whenever the opportunity presents itself. I'm sure you can imagine my delight when I spotted the Basement Bar's machine.
The prizes for The Basement Bar's machine are two-fold: (1) you can grab delightful little ducklings with the claw. Mostly yellow ducks, they're dressed up in funny little costumes. I even won two that were dressed like hockey players. I plan on coming back to Minnesota to get Zach Parise's and Eric Staal's autographs on them. However, the real incentive is the (2)nd prize: a green duck gets you a free beer!! That's right, there's a sign right in the machine that says, "WIN a FREE BEER - Green Duck." And if that got your blood pumping, it also says "WIN a FREE PITCHER - Blue Duck." There were very few green and blue ducks in the machine, but a crowd had gathered around me after winning those sweet (yellow) hockey ducks, and the mob dared me to go for the green. A few yellow ducks later and I did it... I SNAGGED THE GREEN.
Per the machine's instructions, I proceeded to find a bartender who would trade my duck for a prize. Although I really wanted to keep that green duck, the exchange for a free cold one sounded worth it. I approached a bartender - a pleasant blonde woman - and like a proud Labrador Retriever, placed the green duck in front of her. "I'm sorry, it needs to be a SQUARE green duck" was her response. Bewildered, I calmly informed her that the sign contained no such restriction and instead was quite clear "WIN a FREE BEER - Green Duck." Nowhere on the sign did it inform the player that a square duck was required. She could sense my frustration and offered to get a manager. However, a very attractive young lady was looking in my direction, and gave a little wave, so I dismissed the offer real smooth-like. It turns out she was waving at someone directly behind me.
I informed the bachelor party what had happened re: the duck. They could not believe the injustice. I showed them the sign and they agreed: it did not specify anywhere that the duck needed to be square. Just green. A green duck. The fellas provided me with a new-found sense of confidence. I once again approached the bar. A shorter man approached. I politely informed him that I had won a green duck and was owed a beer. He repeated the company line, telling me that the duck needed to be square. Much like before, I once again very calmly explained that the sign did not specify that the duck needed to be square, just green, which I had in my possession. He, very rudely I might add, informed me that the sign contains a picture of a square green duck, and that I should have known it needed to be square. This back and forth went on for some time as I attempted to enlighten him on the commonly applied rule of statutory construction: if language is clear and unambiguous, the plain language applies. He insisted that I make a logical leap and assume that the picture, rather than the plain language of "WIN a FREE BEER - Green Duck," controls. For the record, I never threatened litigation.
Now for the part of the story where we go from Minnesota-nice to Meanie-apolis: the bartender reached into my hand, grabbed the green duck, and threw it across the bar. Not only did I not have a free beer, I no longer had my green, albeit not-square, duck. I treasure every Claw Game prize I win, knowing that it is one that my 8 year old self could never enjoy. Dumbfounded and dejected, I returned to the bachelor party a lesser man. Unfortunately I think my sadness was contagious (we had a really empathetic group of dudes) and I can only assume it ruined everyone else's night. I just hope the wedding still happens.
Anyway, cool bar. Just change the sign in The Claw Game.