The Cloak Room

Martha Washington was how the bartender identified. Her friend at the bar stole my phone and my glasses? Not sure what the deal is there. She asked my friend and I to leave a bad review. I’m pretty sure we were actually being scammed. I miss the old bar tender.

Amazing history in a speak easy style watering hole off the Capital.

Bartender was an Amazing person. Drinks were so so yum!!

Fun speakeasy adjacent to the capital. Drink prices are decent and there are new servers who are super nice. Give this place a try for the nostalgia factor. We will be back. BTW, no food.

Loved this little speakeasy dive bar right next to the Capitol. Loved the vibe and the bartenders were super friendly. My fiance loved her Old Fashioned. Great night all around.

Nice quaint local bar that seems mystical and mysterious at first, although large bull-nosed bar tender was very rude. i would only come here if she was not present. Otherwise, speak-easy, fun, prohibition era bar.

Pretty pathetic. I arrived after opening; however, it wasn’t open. An employee arrived as we were outside conversing with others waiting to get in, and he didn’t greet us or give any indication as to when they would let anyone in. He walked in and promptly locked the door behind him. I was really looking to experiencing this historic bar, yet both employees and management seem to not understand customer service.

Incredibly iconic bar near state house. GREAT bartender. Best GIN martini (dirty).

The Cloak Room is one of the most atmospheric bars in Austin. Atmospheric is not always a good word. It is kitty-corner from the State Capitol. The implication for tourists is that you can go there to see legislators and political movers and shakers have a drink. I strongly suspect the real politicians actually go to more private locations with more partisan sponsors. Politicians' preferred watering holes are a lot more plush than this place. The powers that be go for wainscotting, lake views, and impressive wine collections. A private dining room where they can get a steak is not unwelcome. The Cloak Room is way too downscale and grungy to compete at that level. * * * The Cloak Room is in the basement of an old nineteenth century building. For adventurous charm, you can't beat it. Going in feels like fun. I have previously used the words "downscale" and "atmospheric" to describe the Cloak Room. It is "downscale" because you go down into the basement. It is "atmospheric" because the basement is as musty as basements in old buildings tend to be. The must teeters between breathability and all out mildew. I wouldn't want a whole lot of what is in that basement going into my lungs. Nor do I want body-destroying beverages when my respiratory system and immune system are being wrecked in other ways. If I am going to drink things that destroy my liver, I would rather do so in more salubrious settings. * * * Must and mildew bother me more than they bother other people. For some people, the Cloak Room will be an exciting adventure. If you are that kind of person, give the Cloak Room five stars. I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. So for me, it was a one star. For the average Yelper, three seems about right.

Such a cool place hidden in downtown Austin. Service was amazing!! In fact since it was our first time, drinks were on the house as long as we come back! Super nice, friendly, all the above, a true GEM! THANK YOU!

As Divey as a Dive Bar could possibly be. Plus this place is literally full of history to include it once had a secret underground tunnel that went to Capitol building and had a brothel located above it. Soooo much local Texas history. Awesome bartender Melissa knows how to make a decent drink and has a sense of humor. Cool place to come chill and relax literally right next to the State of Texas Capitol. It's NOT easy to find. They don't have a parking lot so you'll be street parking and walking to find it. It's not a big place, it's quaint and intimate in a Old Antique kind of way. ALSO...they will rent out the entire place as Venue if you're interested. Thinking my next birthday party...

I really don't want to write this review because I want to keep this bar to myself. Yes, it's THAT kind of bar. It's hidden downtown, down some stairs, in a small dim space. No fancy drinks. Just space for intimate conversations. During legislative session it's a hoppin' place, but other times it's perfect for average dive bar patrons.

Definitely a best hidden dive bar of Austin. To many people don't venture out to close to the capital. Yet they may find a place where those will be there, hiding in the night, waiting for the right person to wander in. Or you won't find it. Mwahaha.. good luck

Great hidden gem near the Capitol. Try a Martini, they are on a different level. Friendly vibe.

On my Bucket List since my time at UT in the 70s. Did not disappoint. VERY nice pours by the bartender. Cool "dive bar"

Down the steps you go and a cool adventure is at hand. This is a cool dive bar where time stands still in the dark little hole. Its a small place but the bartender is sure to make you feel right at home. Close to the Capitol its easily within walking distance after a long day of meetings with your state rep's. Definitely off the grid and worth seeking out.

I was introduced to the appropriately named Cloak Room in 2015 about a month after arriving in Austin. It is reminiscent of a 1920's Blind pig, dark, quaint, and off the beaten path. The location is probably more familiar with Attorneys, Legislators, Council Members, Lobbyists, etc., rather than the average citizen. Next door to what was an old brothel, you might be hard pressed to find the entrance. However, once you find the stairs leading down to what looks like a basement, you'll find a simple, yet pleasant bar. Dark, private, and dotted with the necessary television or so, this bar room provides the perfect escape from the upstairs hustle and bustle. You may not find an extravagant inventory here, but you will find a well-balanced cocktail, poured to perfection. If you stay around long enough, you might notice some individuals appearing and disappearing without using the front door. But that could just be the effects of the alcohol.

Gotta say i'm a big fan of this old Austin joint. The darkness, the intrigue, the jukebox...the cheap drinks (HH gets you a dollar off liquor) And its right next to the gorgeous Capitol of Texas.... I wonder how man scandals were played out there...if only those dark walls could talk. Ms. Bev the owner? the manager? has a cat, a glorious blonde bouffant and a gravelly laugh..I bet she has seen it all. I will have to pick her mind next time i'm in there. Which will be sooner than later.

Great bartender, great drinks, great location. Not for the faint of heart. No sissy boys but a hell of a place to bring your friends for a cold one. Melissa is the GOAT.

I've been coming here for a few years now and mainly for one reason: the bartender Melissa. She and this spot are an absolute gem. My favorite place to come in and just chop it up or to end the night. Never change!

One of the weirdest bars I've ever been to! The Cloak Room is the CLOSEST bar to the Capitol - as such, it's a hangout for Senators and Reps IN SESSION. During session, it can be crowded. It's a very strange experience - two TVs (one playing the feed from the Senate floor and one playing the feed from the House floor) and the darkest bar I've ever been in! I walked straight into my friend when we got inside because I couldn't see a thing - your eyes adjust after a minute! You can walk right past it-there's just a little sign saying Cloak Room and then you walk down the stairs. The bar is underground. It smells like it's underground. As weird as the bar is during session, it's ever stranger in the interim - because NO ONE IS THERE. How does this place stay open? At least they have a jukebox!

The Cloak room is by far the best bar in Austin and Miss.Mellisa is a take no shots bartender but always rules with just cause and almost always in favor of the rest of the bar. Weather it be on a somg (from the greatest jukebox in Austin) or if your cut off (from someone who has been a time or two). If your looking to rage this is not the place, but for good drinks, good conversations and good tunes this is your spot. - EB

The Cloak Room? You mean The Klan Room... Went here last night with a group of friends. We walked in around 9:30 to a place that was totally empty. That should've been our first sign. The bartender (who's pictured in a couple of the photos here) came back in from her smoke break and seemed frustrated that the five of us were there and slowly began to take our drink orders. After about an hour the place starts to fill up and one of the girls from our group (who happens to be a Latina) goes up and orders a round for the table. There was some confusion as to who was paying for the drinks on our end, and we go back and forth jokingly. The bartender then starts shouting at us telling how the confusion reflected "poorly on her (our friend's) character." Clearly, that was a joke right? Wrong... Because about an hour later a guy (who happened to be black) came in, talking on his phone, looking for his friends, and the same bartender got in his face and started shouting at him. The gentleman was taken aback, and the woman kept going saying "We're closing, so get out." She continued to repeat variations of this over and over until the guy left. People were still ordering drinks at this point. So we decided it was time to leave. I don't know what was in the bartender's heart, but I do know that the way she acted to my friend and the guy looking for his group, was entirely inappropriate. And in no other instance throughout the four hours were there did she act that way to anyone else. Given that the rest of the clientelle were white and the only two people she publically reprimanded were people of color, it certainly felt racist to me

Bar either is not open or need a code to get in. Hours of operations online show it is open but it was closed both nights we tried to go.

DO NOT GO HERE!!!!! 1. The bar tender / owner acted in a racist manner. She claimed that my friend (who is Mexican American) lacked character, and she asked a black patron who was innocently watching TV to leave. She then told us she was nervous he would "Rob or bomb" us. Wtf. 2. It's generally uninviting and the drinks are bad. 3. There's a weird crowd - UT frat stars meet legislators. I would spend your money elsewhere.

It's refreshing to get into a quiet dark bar in Austin, sometimes I just don't want to watch people playing corn hole when I drink - one of my favorite bars. Bar tenders have always been cool with me. It's dark and can get really quiet, but the jukebox was $0.25/play last time I was there.

Quiet, cozy and comfortable. Small bar with about 12 chairs total. No crowds unless legislature is in session. One of those great places if you want to grab a quiet drink by yourself or with a buddy or two. No fancy drinks either, they "serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast and we don't need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere" No dress code anymore but still don't go in looking like a**.

I want to give a shout out to my Uber driver who recommended this hidden dive bar. You rock, Erica! Located right next to the capital, this bar is great. We were the first to arrive at 3. Melissa greeted us with her cat, and immediately we felt so welcomed. While she went about opening the bar, she engaged with us numerous times and even let us pick some songs on the jukebox. She told us stories about the bar and how her mom was a legend there! (She actually was supposed to be there but was getting interviewed for something). There were also two other ladies that joined us at the bar who also welcomed us and told us stories of this bar. This was my first time exploring Austin and this homey small bar was probably my favorite part of the trip. All in all, the decor is simple, the drinks are inexpensive, and the company is personable and warm. You know you are in the right place for a drink when you head to the restroom upstairs and see the wall decorated with years of fun crazed images of the past and present customers. Thanks, Melissa! We will definitely come back soon.

Intriguing and long time Austin poltical drinking hole, popular among state legislators and their staffers...always good for gossip and cheap drinks !

Please heed the other negative reviews about the worthless old witch that is the "bartender". I came with a friend as we were headed to the Frank Irwin Center for a basketball game. I should have known it would be an unfortunate experience when my friend phoned one of her colleagues and asked "where's the bar with the old witch for a bartender?". After arriving and entering the dimly lit and cigarette smoke filled establishment, we went to the bar to place a drink order. The witch's first words to me were "TAKE OFF THE CAP" in such a rude and snappy manner that I actually laughed. I took the hat off as I respect the idea of not wearing a hat indoors. My friend then began to place a drink order, but was immediately cut-off and was informed in the same bitter manner that she was "busy". She was "busy" entering a tip (who the hell tipped her?!) into her software system. She was then kissed goodbye on each cheek by what looked and sounded like a mafioso type of character in a suit behind the bar. After roughly 7 minutes, she decided to ask "what do you want" without looking up or making eye contact. My friend ordered two long islands and was immediately told "I'm not making those tonight". We looked at each other and my friend then ordered a single vodka soda, which I guess she decided she was making that night. The witch ("bartender") then gave me the same lame question, and I asked for an old fashioned. I was again immediately told "I'm not making those tonight". Deciding to have some fun with the infamous witch, I replied "well I like whiskey, so make me your favorite whiskey drink that you happen to be serving tonight." Without looking up, she said "no these are the whiskeys we have and you can pick your own poured over ice". At this point I was ready to leave, but I decided to stick around and drink after dealing with the infamous witch behind the counter. As we were leaving, the bartender was outside smoking a cigarette complaining to a friend about other patrons (seems to a theme in the reviews). Needless to say, my friends and I will never return to this dump. I hate leaving negative reviews, but this dump was beyond bad. STAY AWAY

I just left The Cloak Room with my husband and 4 of our friends. We are all Austin residents and only came because one of our friends told us about the great juke box and adorable house cat that lived onsite. Let me just say that WE WILL NEVER COME BACK TO THIS ESTABLISHMENT!! When my husband went up to the bar to order drinks, he was given an attitude by the owner Bev because he left her a $2.50 tip. She told him, with a major attitude, I don't want coins just bills. WTF?? Then, we over heard her complaining that patrons left and didn't finish their waters!! She said to a fellow co worker, "you see. We are wasting our resources." Then she was eyeballing my husband when he was helping himself to the complimentary pitcher of water. I heard her say, "yeah, keep drinking the water. I'm going to start charging you!" Really? What is wrong with this lady? The icing on the cake was when my newly engaged friends were embracing and sharing a kiss and Bev kicked them out for PDA (public display of affection). We were already wrapping up the evening, my husband and I were upstairs using the restroom, and the other couple we were with already left. My engaged friends were waiting for us and I was shocked to see them waiting outside like 2 punished little children. This is absolutely unacceptable. Six patrons were spending good money at The Cloak Room and this is how we get treated?? Save your money. There are plenty of other bars in downtown Austin that appreciate you and your business. The Cloak Room and especially Bev can SUCK IT!

I love the cloak room after a day spent at the Capitol or meeting clients. Down the stairs you vanish into darkness and say hello to the cat. One piece of advice - don't mess with the bartender. I kind of adore that woman but she is not messing around. I saw a girl try her patience once and she got curved so hard it hurt MY feelings for her. So, with that said - mind your manners and enjoy a nice strong drink at this odd little place I love.

I've never had a worse experience in a bar than the one I had tonight at The Cloak Room. After work nearby I stopped in with a few friends, and after finding a table I asked the bartender where the bathroom is located. With one leg propped on a bannister and his eyes glued to his cell phone, he mumbled, "Upstairs." This was my first time there, so I asked him where the stairs are. Without looking up from his phone he replied "There's a bathroom. Up the stairs." I asked if there was a problem. No reply. As a few more friends arrived (total of about 10), we joined a table that was not being used to ours, making sure not to block passage through the bar, and speaking at a reasonable volume. 10 minutes later the same bartender yells, "Did you move my table? I want all of you out." We happily obliged. It's very possible The Cloak Room is a pleasant place to get drinks when this bartender isn't around. But because he may be, I'd recommend going elsewhere.

I think this is one of those places you either love or hate. We loved it! We played games at the bar while watching family fued on the t.v. Met some amazing and interesting people that night. Melissa was so friendly and welcoming. She made me her famous "Master Blaster" and it was great! Entertaining, fun, and unique... typical Austin experience.

Bartender is incredibly rude. We were the only people in the bar and he was incredibly rude to us right off the bat. Eventually he kicked us out even though we were the only people in the bar. The bartender seemed far more interested in doing whatever it was on his phone than make us drinks. I don't expect all smiles and sunshine from a bartender, but apparently asking for an old fashioned is taboo or something in this bar, even asking the bartender for a beer (the easiest drink to prepare in the world) was met with extreme attitude/eye rolling. If you are cursing and yelling at the customers for asking for a drink...you're going to get a smaller tip. The bartender doesn't seem to understand this. Don't waste your time here, this bar clearly isn't interested in serving drinks in exchange for money. Every person I've talked to that has been to this bar has been kicked out for the most arbitrary reasons imaginable, though it looks like a few people on this page were actually able to get a drink first.

I came here after work with some coworkers recently and was really unimpressed. For starters, this bar is so dark that you're hard-pressed to see the other patrons, let alone what kind of alcohol they have. So when I asked the bartender what kinds of gin they had and he simply moved aside so I could "see" the shelf as opposed to just telling me, I was a bit chagrined. I couldn't really see anything, so I just guessed. One of my colleagues ordered an old-fashioned and the bartender said "we don't do old-fashioneds." Alrighty... I honestly have no idea what other reviewers are talking about when they say they had amazing drinks here. Anyplace that can't make something as basic as an old-fashioned isn't exactly on the cutting edge. We sat at a table that seemed to be slightly better lit--meaning we could see one another's general shapes--and I soon noticed some sort of bugs flying around, which turned out to be mosquitoes! I ended up with several bites. Fortunately we left after one drink. Suffice it to say I will not be returning.

This place feels like a divey, east coast bar. Love that they put out a lil plate of crackers and cheese for their patrons. What ever happened to such niceties?

Bartender was incredibly rude to us. So we walk down the stairs and go up to the bar to figure out what to drink. Without even saying a word I can tell the bartender has it out for us. We look around to get some kind of indicator as to what they serve...so we could order our drinks. With no visible tabs, fridge, signs, menu, specials, or anything...we're not even 100% certain if they serve beer. All we can see are the dimly lit outlines of what we assume are liquor bottles. So I decide to just ask if there are any drink menus we can look at...I guess that was my first mistake. He looked up from his phone for a second, rolled his eyes, and said no. Okay...I guess this bar is too small/divey/trendy or whatever to indicate in some manner that they serve drinks...that's fine. Not being able to see anything that they serve...one of our friends takes a shot in the dark and asks for an Old Fashioned. That was our second mistake, we were rudely told "we don't make Old Fashions." The bartender was at least off of his phone at this point...but clearly already had it about up to here with our pesky questions...so our friend takes another shot in the dark and asks for a Manhattan. The bartender starts to tell us again that they can't make Manhattans...but something happened mid-sentence that made him change his mind. Not really sure what happened there...but he starts to begrudgingly make a Manhattan. One of our other friends decides (I assume in the interest of keeping things simple) to make it two Manhattans...and again the bartender indicates that he is incredibly annoyed by the request. As he is making the Manhattans I decide to just keep it simple as possible and order one of the dimly lit bottles neat...as I was getting kind of a Soup Nazi vibe from the bartender. My friend makes out that one of the bottles is Bulleit and orders it neat. The bartender asks if he wants the rye or bourbon...and I can hear the eyes rolling in his voice. So to keep things simple I order the same...which again triggers an audible sigh from the bartender. Mind you the bar is almost completely empty...and there's nobody behind us waiting in line. So we finally get our drinks and the bartender goes back to staring at his phone...I figure everything is right with the world again. We sit down and notice that there are in fact drink menus on the tables...that could have saved us a few of the eye rolls but what are you going to do? About 20 minutes later a different person in our group decides to get round two and we all decide at the table to order the same bottles of draft beer...as tending a bar seems to really irritate this bartender. The bartender didn't like his tip from the first round of drinks and says something to the effect of "a slight from one person in the group is a slight from the whole group" and indicates that we all need to finish our drinks immediately and "get the fuck out." He then goes back to his phone and we immediately leave the almost-empty bar. I guess this place caters more to politicians needing a quick escape while in session...and not to a small group of friends looking to grab a quick drink in the back corner of a bar after work. Either way, it was very clear right off the bat that there was nothing we could have said to this bartender that wouldn't have resulted in extreme irritation. I guess being incredibly rude to everyone is part of whatever the trendy/divey/no sign/no website/no drink menu/no cocktails image they are trying to cultivate. It's a curious business strategy.

This is one of my favorite bars, and Bev is definitely my favorite bartender ever. This year I had the pleasure of helping Bev decorate the bar for Christmas which was very fun. I don't know why people are so put out by her. I think those people don't understand that the rules of a good dive bar are different from the rules at the bar at Chili's. Give Bev respect and you will have a wonderful time. You can play George Jones on your own time. I heard the ladies restroom is haunted. I must admit I don't like going up there alone. Does anyone have some good ghost stories?

The Cloak Room is a bit of a paradox. To a large degree during the legislative session, it's a "see and be seen" type of place. If you want to see state politicos having a few drinks, the Cloak Room is the most likely bar in town. However, it's also a fairly private place in terms of the fact that you can settle in with your favorite special interest liaison or lobbyist and have a private conversation. The service is good and the drinks are excellent although slightly overpriced. The atmosphere is rather dimly lit to go with the "hush hush" vibe. On the other hand, you can sometimes feel like you have the place to yourself when the political types aren't in town.

This bar is an Austin treasure. Come as you are, be polite, match the vibe, respect the rules, keep a low profile and enjoy the underground.

Close proximity to Capitol. Fine quiet place for meeting with friends. Excellent refuge on a wintry February visit to the lege.

Was told by the 80 year old bartender to cover up my arms or I wouldn't be served. Mind you, I was wearing a tank top showing ZERO cleavage and Capri pants. Asked about the dress code; apparently it doesn't exist. The judgement is rampant. Discrimination is discretionary. Spoiler alert: No tattoos allowed.

Was at the Cloak room today. At first it was cool, until some guy was smoking in the bar. I approached the table and asked them to please take it outside. Austin has a city ordinance law about smoking in bars and restaurants. They looked right in my face and lied, saying no one was smoking. I believed them and went back to my table. Then I saw this dude with a cigarette under the table. I then said, dude, please take it outside. They didn't. .. so me and the people at my table closed out and began to leave. The bitch bar tender said I wasn't welcome back. I called their ass out on bracking austin city law, and they took the stance on the law bracking asshole.... I will never go back to the cloak room.

If you are lucky enough to find this place be ready for a little slice of heaven. That is if your idea of heaven is a dark lit old speak easy. This place is my favorite hidden gem. Its the kind of place a professional can go and truly unwind. Just be warned, political conversations should be strictly avoided.

The Cloak Room is a VERY dimly lit, dive bar. When you turn the corner to look for the entrance, you'll see a simple staircase leading you down, possibly after being greeted by the bar's regular: a cat. You walk in, unsure whether this is the correct place, and the first thing you'll take note of is how dark it is in the bar. After a few minutes, your eyes will adjust and you'll then take note of how the place is tiny but cozy, especially when the capitol isn't in session. The bartender is a personable and lovely lady, albeit a bit quirky. At times, she'll wander off away from the bar but not so long that it aggravates you. She cares for the bar's cat and let's it inside once in a while. I like her and the cat. The alcohol selection was enough for me, but to be honest, it was so dark, I didn't take notice what was or wasn't behind the bar. If you want the typical fancy downtown bar, skip the Cloak Room. If you want a classy, dive bar with character, give this place a visit. I'll definitely come back again.

This bar just doesn't seem real to me. It's a strange place and it makes me feel like I'm in a movie. The entrance is down a few stairs and it looks like the basement entrance to Kevin McAllister's house from Home Alone. So, you're already a bit unnerved as you walk inside because you don't wanna get caught in a web of booby traps. After you cautiously open the door and examine the room for safe passage, you notice that nobody seems to be operating the bar. The woman ripping butts with her back turned to you is so absorbed by video poker that she didn't realize you walked in or just doesn't care that you are there. You need to approach her cautiously. When she finally greets you, she stammers "how long you boys been staring through those windows?" You instantly realize that this is Mama Fratelli and you've stumbled into the wrong seaside restaurant. Ask for anything more than water and she may threaten to cut your tongue out. When your drinks finally are served, she will ensure that the drinks remain on top of napkins. Don't even think about removing that napkin and placing that glass directly on the wood. Mama Fratelli is very territorial and she's insanely protective of the wood in the bar. After your first sip, the uncomfortableness level has risen to such a point that the only reasonable thing to do is chug your beverage and escape through the grate under the fake fireplace. Pros: 1) You might catch a senator getting a BJ in the bathroom from a prostitute. 2) It's not wheelchair accessible, so you won't run into Greg Abbott there. 3) The Chili Parlor is right around the corner. Cons: 1) They may or may not house a horrifyingly disfigured creature, that goes by the name of sloth, in the basement. 2) Veal Scallopine, Fettucini Alfredo, and a bottle of Fettucini (a 1981) are not on the menu.

I just got back from my caucus and boy, are my delegates tired. So after a historical primary election, I thought it would be fun to go to a bar that feels like you are in history to watch the results. And this bar is old. HOW OLD? So old, I think Strom Thurmond celebrated his 21 birthday here. [groan] Seriously though, the rumor on the street is that some members of legislature hang out here while in session. I have been here a handful of times and have yet to witness any political activity. Regardless, it seems like this was the bar for a lot of people to show up after an election to discuss politics. Made for an entertaining evening with discussions about Senate and which place would deliver food to this bar. The results: don't walk down the street for a chili dog when Austin Pizza will deliver.

If you're looking for a fun, enjoyable evening with friendly service, DON'T COME HERE. The bartender/owner, Bev, mutters insults and complaints about her patrons and is downright RUDE! Oh, and if you go with your significant other and demonstrate any sort of PDA (i.e. handholding, hugs, quick pecks) you will be kicked out because "No PDA is allowed." This woman is bitter, angry, and full of negative energy. I wouldn't waste a penny at this establishment.

The bartender was so drunk when my sister and I arrived that she either forgot to make our drinks or didn't bother. She was having a great time talking to the regulars, though. When we left they yelled after us that we must not be from here, which is neither true nor relevant. I stopped in for a drink every once in a while in my twenties and now I don't have the patience for this disaster of a bar anymore.

Oh, hi! Allow me to be the first to give this place just ONE star. And this place only GETS a star because I HAVE to in order to write a review. The Cloak Room would totally win dive bar awards from this corner, but the wizened harpy behind the bar all but yelled I was a hooker. I'm um, not. I was with my boyfriend and it was 1 degree outside and we were all snuggly. Not making out on the bar, mind you. No hanky panky or footsie or any petting of the sort. She looked at us all nuzzly and loudly hissed, "Sweetie! Sweetie! We don't DO that in here!!!" She did this whilst swatting her hand in my general direction. Goodbye, Grinch. Enjoy your lack of tip.

The Cloak Room is one of my favorite bars in Austin. The bartender is a doll, and the atmosphere is dark and divey, which is just how I like it. Order the Bev Dog, which is a White Russian w/a splash of Coke. It goes down easy!

Small, dark, intimate and worth a trip. Located in basement of building directly across from the Capitol building. Where all political deals are negotiated over a stiff drink, Scotch preferably. Classic 70's and 80's music reverberates within.

I wouldn't go here for a wild night out, but I'd definitely go on a date---particularly with a CIA operative, a mafioso, a mistress or Madam Psychosis. There are closets---not just on MTV Cribs---as big as the Cloak Room. However, I'm fairly sure not even deep space is as dark. Do yourself a favor: go to the Cloak Room on a bright, sunny day. Stroll across the Capitol grounds, listen to the birds chirp, watch the clouds roll slowly across the sky, then descend six steps to the tiny front door, creak it open on its painted-over hinges, and go completely blind. Grope around; run head-on into the juke box; follow Bev-the-Bartender's voice and the anemic twinkle of tiny, haphazard Christmas lights to the bar; don't even think about looking for your friends---if they haven't seen you, they're not there, and there's no way in hell you'll see them. Once your pupils have adjusted---and, believe me, they haven't been this big since the '60s---you can whittle away the rest of the afternoon entertaining yourself by watching everyone else stumble, blind as newborn kittens, into the bar, ping-ponging off of furniture and other patrons. It's a fabulous pastime---only slightly cruel, in a way that goes perfectly with vodka and soda.

I never ever would have found this spot without the aid of my trusty legal friends. Well versed in the ways of the capital and those individuals who hover around it like vulture with carrion, they take me down a dark alley to what fate I do not know... and then we find the cloak room. And it's mostly what I thought it would be. Though it was empty this Saturday night, it's so damn dark you can hardly see the hobo or senator next to you. And that's probably by design. This windowless basement bar has a knowledgeable bartender and about 4 tables. They have a sweet jukebox with all my favorite readers digest solid gold hits and that one guy being suckered into the photohunt computer. We had a beverage or two, danced in the middle of the worn carpet and played phil collins as much as possible. It's a spot you HAVE to go to once. If you can find it.

Rumor has it the Texas Chili Parlor right around the corner is considered the republican representative haunt, and The Cloak Room the democratic representative spot. I lean left, and I still prefer the TCP. Here's why: I like the dark, dank feeling of The Cloakroom. No windows = sign me up. HOWEVER, they are yet another ballsy downtown bar that insists upon charging $5 for a well drink. And did I mention said cocktails are poured into Liliputian thimbles they call glasses? Additionally, the old crone who seems to be the permanent fixture behind the bar likes to light up in there with her Misty 100s and play video solitaire. My allergies hate her for doing that in such a confined space. If the night takes me here, I'm happy to entertain the crowd and go along, but I'd never go out of the way to stop in.

Ed: "I've been a failure at meme generation." A: "You mean, like, catchphrases?" Ed: "Well, they're not just catchphrases, but those can count. Monichacha and I tried, for example, to change, 'I'm just sayin', to 'These are my observations.' But maybe we just needed to start from scratch." Ryan: "Yeah, that kinda sucked." Lindsey: "You mean like 'Put that in your pipe and smoke it'. My friend often says, 'That's all I got.'" Ed: "Right." Doc X: "I think what you need is a non-sequitur." Ed: "Great. Non-Sequitur Man is my alter ego, anyway." Doc X: "How about, say, 'I just won the World Series. Tartar sauce, son!" Ed: "That could work." Justin: "And to think, this was all because of my birthday." Martha: "This reminds me of that Twilight Zone episode." Emily: "Are you coming to my Spanish class?" Ed: "TARTAR SAUCE, SON!" Quani: "I'm not driveable."

In spite of being in the shadow of the Capitol and this is a true dive bar. Yes, some of the clientele may have on suits, but the goal here is to become pickled in a small, dark place. Table-hopping or hob-nobbing may not have favorable results. The bartender, bless her, likes to smoke and doesn't like to entertain Cloak Room n00bs. Mind your Ps and Qs and if she can stand you, she may raise the lights in the hallway leading to the rest rooms so you can see the million photos of regulars papering the walls. This is a small, dark bar. This is not a place in which to "WOO!" or require special treatment - that's for regulars. Killer juke box, too.