Kristie H.
Yelp
Lemme tell ya a little story about a lady's first trip to a Fruteria.
First. I'll be honest I've been having a bad day(s). Leaving Walgreens I saw the logo and thought I'd get a treat- but a healthy one.
I shop at El Rancho and I love the agua frescas. Specifically the coco (coconut). I pictured a cup, a lid, a straw, and refreshing white coconut loveliness to chill my angst.
But what happened was... I asked for the agua de coco. She said they hadn't made any that day, but would I like to try the piña colada. I know a piña colada is coconut milk and pineapple juice- and I assumed they didn't add rum to it.
Had. No. idea... if you already know what happened- don't spoil it for the others!)
She says it's $12. (Me: !??!!!!!!). But ok it's a small business... it's fresh made... I just want to get my healthy refreshment and go home. But what had happened was... she points to a picture and says "it looks like that". It looks like a shake. I'm like... uhhh "no whipped cream please". She looked at me like I'd started speaking Russian WHILE my head came off. Seriously.
"No whipped cream!? You don't want the chocolate either??!".
Now. For calm people who have regular existences without lots of things screwing up in one week would have seen a red flag. But me, like the red flag on a bad man: I giggled and said 'um ok, just make it regular".
it took FOREVER. I'm sitting on a bar stool waiting for something I'm imagining is juice, being poured into a cup, with, for who knows why but maybe it's good, whipped cream on top..
They called my named and there was an entire frikking pineapple sittin on paper, in a foil pie plate. I seriously ... I was like... excuse me? Um? This mine? They said yep... I said I didn't think it would fit in my cup holder. I just got awkward from there. (Nah. I spelled that right. #neurodiversity). I picked it up.. turned around in a circle, not knowing what to do with something that looked like a verdammt(German word mom used, possibly my nickname) floral arrangement, topped with whipped cream. My brain short-circuited. How did she not know I wanted an agua Fresca in a cup.., and think I needed this... thingie thing?
Then the spiraling began.
I didn't want whipped cream... now I'm staring down a 4" tall blob of it. Do I.. just... knock it off and let it slide down the side of the WHOLE ENTIRE PINEAPPLE? Is that why it's on a tray? Should this only be ordered by three or more people and shouldn't it be on fire? I really, again- just... not having a great day(s). I sat it down at a table.., and tasted it. Ok so yes there's coconut in it and that's tasty. Took a couple more sips... getting anxious because I want to be home... soooo I uhhhh? Walked... out with it? To my car?
I did... think about dumping off that top of whipped cream ... into the parking lot... but I don't do that kinda thing. Leaving the entire thing in the parking lot was a thought that crossed my mind. But. It is a lovely piece of fruit... and I paid $12 plus a tip.., soooo I. Put it... in a Walgreens bag... and held the top of it ... all the way home.
The thought of dairy on top of fruit was really getting to me. Sticky. No like. Confused. Brought it into the house, using some hazmat techniques. By now this sticky thing in the bag was antagonizing me, on purpose.
After deconstructing it I am still confused about what I bought. I call the first number google shows me. Is there ice cream in this??? I have chocolate ice cream in my freezer. I'll never put pineapple in it. . No answer. Called the 'Google number' no answer. I grabbed the tongs. It's too sticky to touch. I cannot bring myself to touch it. I find the core is still in it. In reaction to my attempt to remove it with my kitchen tongs, it fought back. Sticky white ice cream coconut mystery fluff sprayed spots on my kitchen counter, ceiling, and floor. Pretty sure it's in my hair.
It's still sitting there.
Over there.
In the kitchen.
On the counter.
I will either find a way to pour the liquid into a glass so I can drink it with my pinky in the air, or kill it with fire.
So anyhoo; place looks cute. Decor and atmosphere is perfect. The fruit cocktails she gave me samples of were mind-blowingly good.
I'll bet if you know what to order this will become your favorite treat place.
If you didn't like my review you'll hate the rest of my stand up routine about pineapple desserts.
Happy fruiting, y'all.
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Ohhhh noooo!!!
The above was for fun. Much later I actually DID pour it into a cup, put the pineapple rings in a bowl and was having it for 'dinner' (I'm single! I do what I want!) anyway- I thought there were slices of coconut in it. I pulled one out and realized it was PLASTIC! Seriously. Ironically- I wanted it IN a plastic cup so I could take it with me, but I got part of one in pieces inside my drink instead.
The 'review' reaction above this had 4 stars. I've changed it to one because of this.