Smith Q. J.
Yelp
Von Neberts
I've been here a few times, never ever my choice, and the food was never ever great. Which is fine, I don't like great food, just decent food only please. C'mon, I'm not a snob. I just enjoy the process of paying to put food in my mouth.
But that being said I'm kind of shocked that this place, one of the biggest, if not the biggest restaurants (square footage wise) downtown, is still in business because a lot of people don't settle for almost decent food here in food town, unlike me, they prefer great food.
Must be the beer? Let me give you some free advice. Be very careful checking out ratings of breweries. The beer may be good but food might be not so good. I would wager that almost any good ratings on food in the brewery would be because things taste better when you're drunk. If you are sober or slightly sober and want good food, maybe avoid most breweries?
This time around we had to scan the code to use the menu, which for years I would avoid the scanning nonsense if I was alone out eating somewhere, and just go to another restaurant, but you can't really escape scanning codes in Portland nowadays, but now to order at Fon Eberts, you not only scan a code, you have to put in your name and phone number to order. I did it because I was with friends, and so they (Bun Ebert's) now have my phone number, but the website didn't even work for me anyway, and the server only came to our table maybe once in 30 minutes, which is totally fine, we didn't look rich, so I understand they needed to avoid us. Fair enough. But seems Von Berberts that you gave two options to us for ordering: 1. A broken robot and 2. A broken human. Fix your stuff.
We weren't there during a busy time but the service was probably the worst I've experienced in quite a while, which personally I really like that so that was fine. No complaints here. It's kind of fun and you don't have to get conversations interrupted by the server when they leave you alone the whole time.
The server lady (probably in her 30's, in a blue T-shirt and had long hair) took about 15 minutes before coming to our table originally - brought water, said nothing, didn't smile and left. It's Portland and she's working a not great job in downtown Portland, so it makes sense to me that she hates it there. Fair enough.
And also, a lot of tourists don't realize this but to get a job in certain businesses in Portland you have to be annoyed, not like an act, you actually have to be annoyed, it's just a requirement, so I never take it personally.
I was told wings were one of their specialties so I got their super-dried-out super-flavorless half-burnt wings, and I ate them and the not so fresh celery, which I didn't know it was possible for celery, one of the grossest foods of all time, to taste any worse.
How long in the lab did it take to concoct that creation? Did you replace chefs with scientists trying to figure out how to make food even worse? I tried to throw it up but forgot how, so I just digested it while I went to a different restaurant to get my official dinner of the night (second time is the charm) that wasn't made by babies playing around in a kitchen. I'm not a snob, I like not the process of putting not great food in my mouth but my stupid body was rejecting it - not your problem Com Eberts, just mine.
And then at the other restaurant i went to afterwards I was googling how to get this out of my stomach.
Don't get me wrong, I actually love bad food (was joking, obviously babies weren't cooking, probably were at least in elementary school) and I also love bad service, but what I can't handle, nay, won't handle, is giving my contact info out to every darn place I go. For that (having to give you my phone number to order food that I'm going to purposely purge, because it wasn't worth the calories) and that only, I'm docking 4.5 stars out of my 10.
Meaning, I give Don Perverts 5.5 stars out of 10. Will never eat here again... it even with a gift certificate, however I will definitely use their bathroom... and by use it I mean I'm REALLY gonna use it...
Knocked off another star because they had the previous review deleted... 4.5 stars out of 10