Matt C.
Yelp
Psst. Listen here, see. This is a speakeasy. It's secret. Nobody can know it exists. Now follow the white rabbit.
Oh--just three things: You'll need to make reservations on Instagram about two weeks in advance. And we're randomly closed some days. And most important, like all super cool bars this shit shuts down at 11pm stat, no exceptions, lights on, GTFO or we're calling the cops, you scumbags!
WTF dudes?
I actually like what's going on behind the curtains. Cool vibes. Atmospheric presentation. It's small, quaint, intimate. Bartenders know their shit. Great old-fashioned. Solid bizarro inverted old-fashioned. They serve Booker's, which says to me somebody knows what's up. There's an old-timey popcorn maker. You can hear the person next to you because bullshit is not playing at max volume. Don't get me wrong because I like bullshit at max volume--just not when I'm trying to have conversations.
Also, Wursthall is literally upstairs and it's still pretty good despite the fact that Kenji fled to Seattle to paint his nails and be a hipster bitch. I'm not mad, Kenji. Okay, I'm mad. Come back, you traitor.
But I can't suffer the pretentiousness, my dudes. Barrel Bistro is walking distance and they got a better smoked old-fashioned, no Willy Wonka golden ticket required.
It's San Mateo, not Beverly Hills or New York. I'm clinking glasses with Silicon Valley douchebags. Oh, you work for Google or Apple? Motherfucker, who doesn't up here? Why do I gotta wait two weeks because you designed the charge mechanism on Magic Mouse. Bitch--I'm turning that thing upside-down to charge. How'm I supposed to use it, genius? Steve Jobs would be ashamed of your ass. Fuck you--not toasting anything with you. Go back to San Jose.
You close at 11? Guys, you gotta be the change you wish to see in the world, and all that crap. I can hear the voice whispering, if you stay open until 2am like a normal non-suburban-make-reservations-on-instagram-so-called-speakeasy-bullshit-bar, they will come. That voice is super passive-aggressive, sorry.
Anyway, all of this to say, conceptually awesome, great drinks, but this place really has to stop with the pretentious elitism coupled with dry mormon town schedules. It's on the verge of being the go-to bar in San Mateo, but they seem to be doing everything in their power to make that impossible.