The Ranch Malibu
"Why did this hotel catch your attention? What's the vibe? A gorgeous, winding drive up into the Santa Monica Mountains brings you to this intimate, iconic wellness retreat. This isn't the Malibu of beach babes and surfer dudes—this is the quieter, more exclusive side of Southern California, where those with cash to burn come for some serious R&R. What's the backstory? Since 2010, owners Alex and Sue Glasscock have used this working ranch as a backdrop to run one of the country's most exclusive wellness retreats, garnering a fabulous—and very discreet—global following of celebrities, high-powered business types, and wellness fanatics in the process. The ranch welcomes 25 guests per week, and there are absolutely no photos allowed on site while you're here (just in case there's a Hadid sister or Russian oligarch at the next table over at breakfast). Tell us all about the accommodations. Any tips on what to book? You don't come to The Ranch for the rooms, but that doesn't mean they aren't beautiful in their own right. Each of the 21 guest cottages comes with a cozy queen bed (it's 1 person per cottage, but couples can request to be put together) and a luxe neutral color palette—perfect for the early bedtimes and afternoon naps the resort ever so gently enforces. It's worth noting that there aren't TV's in the rooms, and there is extremely limited cell and Wi-Fi service. The whole idea is that when you're here, you're unplugged. Is there a charge for Wi-Fi? There's no charge for Wi-Fi—but again, it's only available in your room. Drinking and dining—what are we looking at? Earthy-crunchy, but make it posh. The Ranch has long offered plant-based, anti-inflammatory cuisine as part of its program since before it was trendy. Sure, the portions might be smaller than you're used to at home, but the idea is that you savor every bite. All ingredients are sourced either from the onsite organic garden or local farms. With favorites like warm spinach and zucchini lasagna (with house-made, dairy-free ricotta, of course), savoring every last bite is part of the fun. And the service? There's something a little cultish about how normal the staff makes everything feel, and maybe that's why they're so good. Four hour hike every morning? Normal. Not a drop of caffeine, even if you ask nicely? Normal. The signature snack of exactly six almonds? Normal! But to be completely honest, for this kind of experience, would you want anything less than a staff that didn't wholeheartedly believe in what they're doing? By the end of your stay, you might just be drinking the Kool-Aid, too. What type of travelers will you find here? Actual housewives and "Real Housewives" alike. High-strung executives. Entertainment industry folk and East Coast hedge funders. Lots of pre-wedding brides. Wellness obsessives. Anyone and everyone desperately seeking a week away from their cell phone. They're exactly who you imagine at a Malibu retreat. What about the neighborhood? How does the hotel fit in? You never really leave the ranch while you're here—the staff keeps you busy from sunrise to sundown with yoga, meditations, and long hikes through the interconnected network of trails. It might be only an hour outside of Los Angeles (and three miles north of the Malibu beach traffic) but the landscape here feels like you're on another planet. Is there anything you'd change? Maybe a few more almonds. Any other hotel features worth noting? It's easy to make fun of the small portions and the "six almond" snack, but the whole idea behind The Ranch is to bring a new level of mindfulness to what's going into your body. To that end, the weekly cooking classes are a guest favorite—you can bring home the secrets behind the property's world-famous plant-based cuisine. Bottom line: Worth it? Why? It's a place with a very singular mission. If you're looking for a beach vacation with an all-you-can-eat buffet and an open-ended schedule, this isn't your spot. But if you have specific wellness goals you're willing to work hard for, there is no place better." - Todd Plummer
