Alan G.
Yelp
*The following takes place between 3am and 4am.**
I meet my lovely friend outside. I hear Jon Bon Jovi. I walk in, peering into the dim, red lit interior. Then I open the second set of doors.
What in the hellllllll (AKA Automatic Slims) is going on here!?!?
Camera flashes are going off every 5 seconds amongst a large group of people who are OMG SOOOO WASTED AND SOOO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! People "dancing" (a bastardized version). People "singing" (also a bastardized version). People "playing drinking games" (take a wild guess).
It reeks of hedonism and debauchery - of body odor, beer, and the potty.
In the hour I was here this past Saturday night/early Sunday morning, the following occurred:
- I was knocked into, not once, not twice, not thrice, but 5 times by a particularly motor skill deficient group of people attempting to dance. I haven't seen anybody as sloppy as these 2 guys and 2 girls since freshman year of college. They were like lemmings who've had too much cough syrup.
On more than one of the occasions I was knocked, it was rather hard, akin to a flagrant foul in professional basketball; luckily I am a pillar of strength and as agile as a cheetah, thus deflecting the blows which would've felled many a lesser man. They then gave my friend the stink eye when she told them to calm the eff down, holding the gaze for a sloppy millisecond, thus losing any intimidation factor.
- A girl and guy were attempting to do the Dirty Dancing thing where the girl jumps up into the guy's arms and is lifted up so it looks like she's flying or whatever. They did a decent job after a few failed attempts; I'm just glad I didn't have to call an ambulance.
- A guy busy fist pumping raised his beer bottle and then lowered his beer bottle... Right into the top of my head. Thanks for knocking a couple of brain cells out mate, but I'm not sore considering I'm still beating you by roughly a gazillion.
- Noticing the floor is ridiculously sticky everywhere, I pick the large shards of a broken beer bottle off the floor that's been neglected, as my friend is wearing open shoes and I don't want her pretty little feet getting cut.
- Guy slips and falls on the floor, hitting the back of my knees on the way down. I stumble before regaining my balance thanks to the bar/friends. No harm done; Wipeout Guy actually seems a little embarrassed, so I decide not to give him a hard time. I can't tell if he's drunk or just pea-brained - possibly both.
- My friend and I are waiting for bathrooms. She tries a door and opens it to see a guy pissing. He slurs out something about closing the door (as if we were just casually enjoying the view?) while my friend shrieks and lets go of the door. It is shut quick and he comes out a few moments later, giving us the nastiest look ever before trudging up the death stairs back to the bar.
Use the friggin' lock, buddy.
- There is a man on his knees on the floor, playing air guitar rather vehemently. He nails the solo, but loses at life because his pants are now damaged beyond repair by the filth on the floor.
- A bro's bro plops down on a bar stool near me while I stand. He is staring at me. It is making me nervous. WHY IS HE STARING AT ME? He then greets me by saying, "You're too good looking, man..." and proceeds to give me the bro's bro handshake and hug, topped off with a kiss on the cheek.
Minutes later he asks me if I've got cocaine that I'd be willing to share. Sorry bud, go fish.
- This was very late in the evening, so I am not surprised by the crowd, just glad I do not get as stupid, inconsiderate, and flat out rude when drinking...
Or do I?
I ponder this on the subway ride home. My verdict? Nope. Am totally not an imbecile.
So, Automatic Slims, I'm not your regular late night client, and I don't know if I ever will be. You've got some entertainment value though, so I'm not hating. It's not your fault you're mobbed by ridiculous individuals who think they're actin' all badass and cool in the Meatpacking District/West Village when really they just look silly. I mean, they're having fun, and I'm not anti-fun, but I'm not into having fun to the point that I'm basically assaulting innocent bystanders.
Oh well.
*I realize this made you think this was going to be a 24 themed review, so as not to disappoint, let's just say that Jack Bauer would come into Automatic Slims to investigate a terrorist threat then simply say, "Screw it... Let 'em blow this up - it ain't worth savin'!"
(Except he'd save the employees, who are exceptionally cool and seem to recognize the ridiculousness of their predicament.)